Billy Joel

It's Billy Joel! Bought the CD last week from Black, Flat and Circular and he's been my company for the past couple of days in the lab. It's busy busy days for Ping but feeling good about it 'coz I've been productive. Last week was busy grading all the lab notebooks (definitely enough for now!!) and this week I'm trying to organize my thoughts for committee meeting next week. At the same time, I am working on a few experiments that makes me think about the next step..kinda scary. What if this is all going the wrong way? What if this is something that cannot be proven even if speculatively, it seems likely? On the other hand, excited that it's not a dead end yet, that there's something to look forward to and that it is thought-provoking. Doesn't it makes you feel good when something makes you think..really think and use your brains? Am also busy guiding my students to finish up their final lab report and it's also making me feel good as I can see the progress they've had throughout this semester and the effort that some of them puts in. And of course, life is not all work. We have to play too right?? :P There was the BBQ and the Thai Cultural and Charity Dance to collect funds for the children in Thailand that are in poverty.

Ever gone through time when you're just so nervous about the next step, losing your confidence over small issues and having thoughts that you might end up being a failure? I guess sometimes we need encouragement and motivation and it's hard to provide that to ourself. Especially me, who always feels like I'm never good enough to be up there or to be part of something. Now I kinda know why Edmund says I don't have enough self-esteem. I can be optimistic and confident about something that I know I did it before. But when it's something new, I hold back, I move as though I'm stepping on pebbles instead of a solid path. All my friends have never seen me when I lose confidence, when I back away because I don't think I can be part of it or I can make it that far. No one believes me when I say 'I don't think I can do it'. They'll just shove the thought aside and say, 'Hei..you're Ping. You'll get it no matter what'. How do they know? Is it because I only show what people expects from me and when I'm upset I never show it out? Why can't I be the one taking advice instead of giving? Sometimes..just sometimes..I wish there is someone that I can complain to and not get the 'aiyah..worry what lah. Always say worry but still do it'. How about holding that back and say something like 'hei..you'll be fine. Just focus on your aim and work on it step-by-step'..or something like that? But I guess that's not gonna happen...which makes this phrase from Billy Joel's You're Only Human my favorite song of the week.

You've been keeping to yourself these days
Cause you're thinking everything's gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along

On Monday, I received the letter with the list of those who will be my colleagues at MBL. Half of the list are people from prestigious universities and most likely have publications and are moving along in their own project. Me? I am still working on troubleshooting my model. I'm not even applying my model yet. Publications? They are just for conferences, not anything major. It kinda made me nervous about going and about my project. Then I talked to Tom and he kinda make me feel more confidence. He told me that I have experience and think a lot about my work, about my models and is constantly thinking of ways to disprove my null hypothesis. Then that reminds me..if I can't talk about what everyone else know, or understand what other people are working on, at least I know I'm good in what I do.

Regardless, I know I'll still feel nervous when the time gets closer. For now, I am nervous over my first committee meeting next week...that's why I'd rather be busy because it makes me feel good that I'm moving along, that it's not a dead end yet.