Today is suppose to be a very cheerful day full of sweet smiles and laughters. I'm sure it is for lots of people but I just cannot feel the joy. All I can feel is how sad it is to be away from everyone I love and how left out and distant from each and everyone of them.
Woke up this morning feeling great. Had it all planned out that I'll spend the entire day working on my thesis and the rest of the day finishing the novel I've been reading. But halfway through my thesis, I decided to take a break and see what's on TV. Watched 'A Very Brady Christmas' - it's a really old movie about bringing the family together. Cried at the end. But continue watching the next movie - 'Santa Claus: The Movie'. Cried at the end again. After that second movie, all I could do was just sit there and cry. Yup. That was all I did for almost 30 minutes. I wish so badly that things are different, that I don't have to go through this all by myself but all I could do was to bring myself up from that couch, go to the bathroom, washed my face, looked into the mirror and tell myself that I'll get through this, that I'm a strong one and I'll be able to face this challenge.
Now that I'm much awake than dazed, I really wanna get out of this place for a few days. But I have no idea where to go. Looked at the airline tickets and it's soooooo freaking expensive at such last minute decision so it seems like I'm not going anywhere. I still can't believe I can miss home so much...but I really don't wanna drown in this misery. What am I suppose to do? Why am I still so unhappy even when I have everything I need? Because I'm isolated. I haven't spoke to anyone in days. I'm sick of chatting online with everyone who seems to be too busy to chat for more than 30 minutes because it keeps reminding me of how involved everyone are with their life and all I have to do is work, sleep and eat. Maybe this is a sign that I'm becoming a workaholic. Am I? I do fine comfort in working..but that's because I forget about everything when I work. What have I become?
Desperately need to call home. Hope someone is home.
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