guilt

When we tell someone, "You can count on me" or "I'll be there for you", it is so easy to expect the same back. But like all other good habits, it is not easy to give without taking. Last night, I was so tempted to call BK when I had to talk to someone. Then I stopped myself. I was like, hei, who says you can just call him up and dump all your life challenges on him? You're suppose to be there for him, not the other way around. When I say "I'll be there for you", it doesn't automatically mean he has to be there for me too. It's suppose to be give, not take. So I place the phone back on the table and ponder to myself about the trouble in my head. Unable to take it anymore, I'll just dump it here since no one really reads it, which means I'm not really dumping it on anyone.

Mum's leaving for Aust to join dad in 2 weeks. Lil bro is getting his own place. That means grandma is gonna be home alone again. I know she'll be fine and she takes good care of herself. But I can't help feeling guilty. I wish I could be there with her but I don't have a choice. I can only support her financially but this is one of the times when money doesn't mean anything. I'd be a lot happier staying with her and living on white rice, pepper and tau eu. But that's not how life goes by these days. Every night I can't help worrying about what would happen if she fell or if something happens to her. No one's going to know about it. As long as I'm still here, somewhere deep in my mind, I'll always wonder if I'll get the chance to be with her and spend time with her.

For 20 years, she devoted her life to nothing but me. From the moment I was born until the day I stepped on the plane, leaving a home she had made for me, she made sure I had the most wonderful life. She would cook, clean, hear me cry, stay up all night when I fall sick, make me laugh, made me think...all without a sigh or a word of complain. She brought me wherever she go, introduce me to all her friends because she's so proud of me and had high hopes for me. She watched over my shoulder, making sure I don't get into the wrong group of friends or that I don't fall into a trap. Yet, there were times when I had not listened to her advice. Even then, she never did say "I told you so". I think the person who I hurt most when I broke up with BK was her. She knew it from the beginning that he was never gonna be good for me. She knew that he's gonna hurt me one day. And yet I had let myself fall for him. But she never shoed me away. For the numerous times he hurt me, she sat by my bedside while I cry myself to sleep. Over time, I managed to convince her that he's the best and that he'll never hurt me. She said that if I had decided that one day I would marry him, she'll be happy for me. But I guess she's right again. He was never the one. In the end, I hurt her from the break up because she knows how much it hurts me. She would make up excuses like he'll come back for you and he'll remember how good you were to him and he'll realize how much he lost...even though she and I both know that it's not true. But that was what I wanted to hear at that time and so she said it.

How many people can talk to their grandma about stuff like that? She had never scold me. Never. Even when I get furious at times and let it out on her. She's the best grandma anyone could have. When I was in primary school, she would go to all the award ceremonies when my parents couldn't make it. When I went to high school, she was right there too..all the way thru college. I wanted her to come here for my graduation but she couldn't take the flight. On the night of my graduation, I called her and she said to me...that she would love to see me get married and have kids but if time does not permit, she wants me to have her wedding ring, which I should past it down to my kids. For me, all I want is to spend sometime with her...before it's too late. I don't want her to lead the rest of her life by herself. But what choice do I have? I can't just abandon my entire project and go home. I have expectations to meet here. I have a career path to set for myself.

I feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do. I don't want it to be too late one day. I'm worried. I don't want her to regret taking of me because I end up becoming someone who doesn't care about all she had done for me. Because I'm not. Every single day, I go to bed thinking about all the things she had done for me. Thinking about the times when no one is there for me and yet she's right there next to me. Times when I feel like it's the end of the world and she reminds me how precious life is. What am I suppose to do? What are the choices that I have? I wish that there's something I could do. I just can't help feeling guilty for being here.