it has changed so much

May 2005

Nok and I were best friends. We went to Cleveland, OH for her sis' graduation, spent the weekend there shopping, laughing, eating..basically, having fun. We knew each other so well we could finish each other's sentence. The weekend after that we went to Holland for the Tulip Festival and then to Saugatuck. It was 'our' time. We just lie down by the dock, enjoying each other's company and laughing over our daily encounters, making fun of each other and all the good stuff. We spent her b'day at a Mexican restaurant and later drinking the night away with margarita.

I went back home for Summer...came back and our lives got busy again with classes and work. Come December and she went home for Christmas, I went to SF. Not a word from each other during the entire break. With a blink of an eye, the semester started again. She got attached, I started teaching.

May 2006

We see each other only once or twice a week. She comes home just as I am about to leave for work. She spends the night at her significant other's place. I am out almost all weekend. Reason for all these...she can't find enough time with her other half...I'm too tired to make a move. Today is her b'day. I went home early...but it was to catch a nap so that I can come back here to set up some culture for tomorrow. She came home shortly after I slept off to have dinner with her brother and sister. Just as I woke up, she left with her bf. But I had a chance to give her hug, wish her happy birthday and gave her the present I bought for her. I still feel the gap though.

How could we have drifted so far apart in one year when we live in the same house? Maybe it's me. I have never been good at making the first move. When I feel left out, I just pull myself away. I don't try to get myself back in. Maybe I should...but I've never been that way and now I'm afraid to do so. Being an observer all my life, sometimes wishing I could belong, I just don't know how to get into the circle again. She had asked me once when I had asked her if I could use something of hers...don't you ever have friends where you can just do stuff without asking? or ask for a favor without being totally polite? My answer was no. I have never felt like I could just ask. From then on, I wanted her to be the one. It went well...but now we drift apart. It doesn't work that way anymore.

While I don't feel close to anyone, being an observer made me independent. Just like how dad brought me up - we have to learn to detach ourselves when it comes time. It can be possible...but why is it so hard for some? Two years is a freaking long time. And yet I still get hurt. What the hell is wrong with me? Life goes on. True, but why does the sadness come back? It's not even worth it. Think about it, it's for someone who hurts you so bad..and later, knowing that he's hurting you and yet he tells you you're the only person he finds solace in. How worth it could it be to hurt for someone like that? It makes total sense to just shunt him away. But then there's a nagging worry feeling...a pull that makes you want to be there for him even though in the end, it only hurts you more. So why do I still care so much? Not too long ago I didn't feel like talking to him. But when I see the weakness in him...all I could do is stay and listen. Why? If only I can find the answer...