pansies

While the rain wash the fragile tulips away, it's time pansies start blooming. Similar to tulips, there are all kinds of different colors for pansies. These were taken at the Annual Gardens at MSU. I was having a 'writer's block' when trying to put together the short proposal that I want to give to my boss before starting the project. So decided to do my fave activity...photo shooting. Of course I'm not as professional as dad or Jase Lee but I just like to do it for fun.

As usual, Ping is fascinated with the blue colored ones. How many shades of blue can a species of flower have? Well, they may not be as diverse as bacteria but there's definitely enough to be amazed by nature's creation.

Some of the pics are not as good as I wanted it to be because there wasn't enough light. It was close to 8pm and it is still bright out but not enough to get good lighting to project the colors. The bushes at the side is blocking some of the light too.

There are also some blue tiny flowers known as Bluesylva. From far, it looks really pretty as it carpets the soil. Close by, it's just a regular 5-petals flower - one that we would commonly draw in Art class (which I used to hate so much, especially when we have to draw human or animals, and they have to be 2 periods!).

And the walk ended with a wonderful sunset...

Went back to lab all fresh to read and write again. :)

a night to myself...

Managed to get a couple hours of myself time. I know I should be reading up on RT-PCR but really wasn't in the mood. I was still kinda excited over my new medium. It's working!! My cells are growing healthy and at the rate that I am expecting although my transformed cells are still a little slow. But that's okay. As long as they are healthy, I'm happy.

So went back home early, take a long shower, and sat myself in front of the tv watching Cruel Intentions with a bowl of chicken wings from Bee-Dup. It's overnight chicken wings but it's still as good. Stopped by there on Tuesday where they have wings for 35cents. Isn't that awesome? Had a sudden craving for it this week. When I was at Western, we used to go there once in a while after I close up the library at mid-night or at 10pm, depending what day. BK would come pick me up and we'll drive over (it's known as BW3 at K'zoo) and get take-out wings. At one point, we kept ordering the wrong flavor that came out too spicy. I couldn't remember what it was and I was hoping I didn't get it this time. I got teriyaki (right) and spicy garlic (left). They are both really good although the spicy garlic sauce was a little too thick to my liking.

Bought 20 wings and there's still 6 left for tonight. You would think they look small and you can eat like 10 a day or something but I had 7 last night and I was stuffed. I've met a guy at Bee-Dup once when I went to watch a Piston game who could eat 20 at one sitting. Can you imagine that? I was impressed. Bee-Dup is a pretty nice place to go watch the NBA games but it gets kinda smoky sometimes so I don't go there very often. It can also get really noisy. Used to hang out with Dan there during the NBA season last year but since his gal got a residency up north, I haven't been back. I just get take-outs. They also have really smooth Long Island Ice-tea. It's so smooth that you totally don't feel a thing until you stand up and for me, everything tends to make its way out again. Yeah...alcohol and me just don't get along very well. But it is definitely one of the best Long Island around town!

what a day...

Came in this morning with lots of plans for the day. It was suppose to be a really productive Monday. It's the end of Monday and what have I done? Prepare 1 medium to grow my picky bacteria. I had to add 18 amino acids into the medium and I thought that I could just mix them up together. I started out by mixing histidine and tyrosine. Initially they look fine but after leaving it on the bench top for a while, they started to look milky. I filter-sterilized it and it looked fine again. But as before, it got milky after leaving it at room temperature for a short while. So I looked up the class of the 2 amino acids and guess what..one is polar and the other is ionic. Maybe some interaction is going on, causing them to 'fall-out' of the solution.

So I spent the next couple of hours rearranging the combinations, recalculating all the concentrations and amount I need. It was almost 6pm when I got done but had to go to the post-office to get some stamps and mail a letter before they close. Since the post-office is on my way home, I decided to just go home and get dinner before continue making my medium.

While I was home, I cleaned up the jacket and shoes closet and saw my new running shoes. It's the most expensive one I've ever bought - USD 35. Even that is half-price. I bought a sandal at that time and they were having a sale where we get to buy the 2nd one for half price. So I got this Nike shoe. I've only worn it once, which was during the Race for the Cure walk. I wanted to break it in before bringing it to Woods Hole with me. Just not too long ago, I refuse to buy Nike shoes because I always think that they are over-priced compared to New Balance or North Star, which are the shoes that are usually on sale at Bata. They are usually less than RM40 so I always think that it's impossible to get a shoe for USD10 here, I wait until I go home to get those shoes. But the last time I went home, I got a North Star for almost RM50. After conversion, double up the price and I can get a nice, comfortable shoe..why not? So I finally got a really expensive shoe. I can definitely think of someone telling me "see, told you earlier but you're so stubborn, don't want to get it". *grins*

There goes a pretty busy day but unproductive...

weekend shopping

Aiyoh..I'm not so nerdy to spend all weekend in front of my laptop trying to figure out how to change the outlook of one page lah. There's other fun stuff too.

On Saturday it was horror movie. For some reason, I've been watching a lot of horror movies everytime I go to the cinema. But I don't really like the new horror movies as much as the old ones like Stigmata or Exorcist. The new ones are more 'let's kill everyone' storyline that is kinda boring after too many of them. Even then, the preview for See No Evil looked good so went to Celebration! to catch the Saturday morning show. I thought it was pretty good but not totally scary. The one part that grossed me out is when the dogs started eating one of the character while she hangs upside down, still alive with blood dripping down from her brain. Urggghhh..

Today went to scope around at the Art Festival . Planned to get a pair of earrings but I ended up with 2 pair of earrings and a choker. They were kinda pricy but since they are locally made and every one is a unique one, I thought it was worth it. Got an earring with Persian stone from Izis Jewels, one with my birth stone and the choker from Wire Fire. The choker is pretty unique that it can be elongated into a necklace or tightened into a choker. It'll go perfect with my brown top I got from Kohls a few months back. There are also lots of booths selling posts with summer themes but I can't imagine why would anyone get it for their homes unless they own a summer bar or something like that. Like all Art Fest, of course there are the 'art' stuff, porcelains or wood work but Ping is only interested in the jewelleries. :)

Since the weather is also pretty nice, I took a walk around campus and it's refreshing to see the greeneries are back. And like always, Ping can't help falling for the blue flowers. This one looks a little like bluebells but I don't it is since it grows in stalks. Bluebells are usually spreaders.

new outlook!!

Wheeeeee....I'm proud of myself!! Managed to change the size of the columns and still maintain the rounded edges. Thanks to tutorials like this, Ping-Ping the computer illiterate is now not so bad. *grins widely* Managed to add a few new stuff to the side bars too.

There goes my weekend...

it has changed so much

May 2005

Nok and I were best friends. We went to Cleveland, OH for her sis' graduation, spent the weekend there shopping, laughing, eating..basically, having fun. We knew each other so well we could finish each other's sentence. The weekend after that we went to Holland for the Tulip Festival and then to Saugatuck. It was 'our' time. We just lie down by the dock, enjoying each other's company and laughing over our daily encounters, making fun of each other and all the good stuff. We spent her b'day at a Mexican restaurant and later drinking the night away with margarita.

I went back home for Summer...came back and our lives got busy again with classes and work. Come December and she went home for Christmas, I went to SF. Not a word from each other during the entire break. With a blink of an eye, the semester started again. She got attached, I started teaching.

May 2006

We see each other only once or twice a week. She comes home just as I am about to leave for work. She spends the night at her significant other's place. I am out almost all weekend. Reason for all these...she can't find enough time with her other half...I'm too tired to make a move. Today is her b'day. I went home early...but it was to catch a nap so that I can come back here to set up some culture for tomorrow. She came home shortly after I slept off to have dinner with her brother and sister. Just as I woke up, she left with her bf. But I had a chance to give her hug, wish her happy birthday and gave her the present I bought for her. I still feel the gap though.

How could we have drifted so far apart in one year when we live in the same house? Maybe it's me. I have never been good at making the first move. When I feel left out, I just pull myself away. I don't try to get myself back in. Maybe I should...but I've never been that way and now I'm afraid to do so. Being an observer all my life, sometimes wishing I could belong, I just don't know how to get into the circle again. She had asked me once when I had asked her if I could use something of hers...don't you ever have friends where you can just do stuff without asking? or ask for a favor without being totally polite? My answer was no. I have never felt like I could just ask. From then on, I wanted her to be the one. It went well...but now we drift apart. It doesn't work that way anymore.

While I don't feel close to anyone, being an observer made me independent. Just like how dad brought me up - we have to learn to detach ourselves when it comes time. It can be possible...but why is it so hard for some? Two years is a freaking long time. And yet I still get hurt. What the hell is wrong with me? Life goes on. True, but why does the sadness come back? It's not even worth it. Think about it, it's for someone who hurts you so bad..and later, knowing that he's hurting you and yet he tells you you're the only person he finds solace in. How worth it could it be to hurt for someone like that? It makes total sense to just shunt him away. But then there's a nagging worry feeling...a pull that makes you want to be there for him even though in the end, it only hurts you more. So why do I still care so much? Not too long ago I didn't feel like talking to him. But when I see the weakness in him...all I could do is stay and listen. Why? If only I can find the answer...

Monk-e-Mail

This is soooooooooooo much fun!!

Monk-e-Mail

Dutch Village

This past Saturday is one of the rare fun times that will always be treasured. Heard of phrases like "People do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing"? This one is by a poet, Oliver Holmes. This is my all time favorite. While most of the time we have to act our age, it does not mean we can't step away from the leash once in a while. For me, it is always the 'playful' moments that I feel like I can be totally myself, never have to worry about keeping the walls up or to remind myself to be strong. It's just me and fun.

Taking the opportunity to have one of these moments, LZ, FY, MW and me went down to Holland, MI for the Tulip Time Festival. The weather wasn't too pleasant for tulips this weekend or any day this week but when LZ, FY and me gets together, goofiness is in the air even if there's a thunderstorm outside. The best thing about us is that all we need is each other. It doesn't matter where we are, what time is it, what we're doing, it's always fun. So what if the pictures aren't all that good because it's so gray. As long as we're laughing and having the best times of our life.

The entrance fee to the Dutch Village, which was where we spend most of the time while we were at Holland, was a little on the pricy side but I was pretty impress. They have a replicas of the stuff the Dutch uses in their olden days lifestyle. There's people who wears the Dutch costumes walking around the park explaining some of the replicas they have. There are also certain times where they have shows or dance. It is definitely an educational visit. In fact, I was thinking that it would be a nice place to bring my parents to (that is if they would ever come here). There are also 2 kiddy rides - The Horse Carousel and The Swing Ride. LZ started with the suggestion that we should go ride on it. Initially I was kinda skeptical - the usual excuse ler. It's only for kids and stuff. So we decided against it. Then I saw one of the little kid's dad went up with his kid and I looked at the 2 girls - oh yeah, we're so gonna ride on the swing. Who in the world cares how old are we???? No one. So we were up there swinging up high and it was just awesome. I couldn't stop laughing. MW did not came up with us but he took a short clip of us on his camcorder, which I'm definitely gonna send it back to my mum. *grins* I can hardly remember the last time I sat on a Carousel or a Swing Ride...probably since Pesta days when I was still staying at Bayan Baru..which is almost 2 decades ago. Later, we walked past a small looking house and an older man who had on a Dutch costume asked us if we want to watch a dance show. He definitely made our day when he said, "They are dancers from high schools, just like you girls". We started cracking up.

The way home was a little quiet as everyone was tired. I was the designated driver and I did wish that I don't have to drive since I'm not totally into driving. But it was totally worth it. Days like this reminds me of all the awesome friends I've made during the short time. It's friends like this who makes me believe that when you find the right person, you click right at that moment and it just gets better. I'll miss these girls so much because there's just no one like them. Whenever we decide to do something, we just do it. What's the point of planning when things doesn't usually work out? As for MW, he's one of the more interesting people to hang out with. Most of the guys just wanna drink and watch sports. He's always up to anything and I'm thankful to have him around to accompany me whenever I'm bored of the daily routine and is looking for fun stuff to do. Unfortunately for him, being the only guy in our little excursion, he had to listen to us bitch about guys. It was such a sweet coincidence that all three of us girls were dumped by our most recent ex for another girl. Maybe that's why we click so well...and why we needed to have each other.

We got back to East Lansing sometime late dinner time. As usual, Peking is our choice for dinner. Not getting enough of each other, we decided to go catch a movie. Ended the night watching RV. It's a family comedy by Robin Williams. Overall, it is pretty good but I got annoyed at some scene because they are those stupid acts that just gets on your nerves.

I'm sooooo gonna miss my babes this summer.

a dozen???

Found this excerpt from MSN.

Should you wed the first person you fall for?
How many people should you wine and dine before you can feel confident enough to say you’ve met your one and only? Believe it or not, mathematics has the answer: A dozen.

Hmm..what if the 12th person you meet is just not right for ya? And if you realize that the person you actually love is one of your first few...kinda too late right? But then again, I'm known for my conservative view in falling in love...

ouch...

Clutching my tummy lying on the front seat of the car wishing I was home lying on my bed tucked under my blankie. At the same time, holding the cell phone to my ear trying to talk without biting on my lips. One part of the conversation goes...

Ping: ...I think about eating but I just don't feel like it.
Him: I don't feel like doing a lot of things too..I don't feel like...(describing stuff he don't feel like doing)...I don't feel like talking to you either...(continue about eating being a necessity. Yeah, I am kinda neglecting that thought for a while now.)

What am I suppose to reply? I was speechless. The phone call went on for a while but by then, I was in too much pain to make a big deal out of it. It may sound like something he says just to knock some sense into me but it came out so easily, it sounded harsh to me and it hurts. What a time to find out the truth...but the truth is better than not knowing sometimes. At least I know to stay away now. In the first place, I don't even know why I thought he would care.

guilt

When we tell someone, "You can count on me" or "I'll be there for you", it is so easy to expect the same back. But like all other good habits, it is not easy to give without taking. Last night, I was so tempted to call BK when I had to talk to someone. Then I stopped myself. I was like, hei, who says you can just call him up and dump all your life challenges on him? You're suppose to be there for him, not the other way around. When I say "I'll be there for you", it doesn't automatically mean he has to be there for me too. It's suppose to be give, not take. So I place the phone back on the table and ponder to myself about the trouble in my head. Unable to take it anymore, I'll just dump it here since no one really reads it, which means I'm not really dumping it on anyone.

Mum's leaving for Aust to join dad in 2 weeks. Lil bro is getting his own place. That means grandma is gonna be home alone again. I know she'll be fine and she takes good care of herself. But I can't help feeling guilty. I wish I could be there with her but I don't have a choice. I can only support her financially but this is one of the times when money doesn't mean anything. I'd be a lot happier staying with her and living on white rice, pepper and tau eu. But that's not how life goes by these days. Every night I can't help worrying about what would happen if she fell or if something happens to her. No one's going to know about it. As long as I'm still here, somewhere deep in my mind, I'll always wonder if I'll get the chance to be with her and spend time with her.

For 20 years, she devoted her life to nothing but me. From the moment I was born until the day I stepped on the plane, leaving a home she had made for me, she made sure I had the most wonderful life. She would cook, clean, hear me cry, stay up all night when I fall sick, make me laugh, made me think...all without a sigh or a word of complain. She brought me wherever she go, introduce me to all her friends because she's so proud of me and had high hopes for me. She watched over my shoulder, making sure I don't get into the wrong group of friends or that I don't fall into a trap. Yet, there were times when I had not listened to her advice. Even then, she never did say "I told you so". I think the person who I hurt most when I broke up with BK was her. She knew it from the beginning that he was never gonna be good for me. She knew that he's gonna hurt me one day. And yet I had let myself fall for him. But she never shoed me away. For the numerous times he hurt me, she sat by my bedside while I cry myself to sleep. Over time, I managed to convince her that he's the best and that he'll never hurt me. She said that if I had decided that one day I would marry him, she'll be happy for me. But I guess she's right again. He was never the one. In the end, I hurt her from the break up because she knows how much it hurts me. She would make up excuses like he'll come back for you and he'll remember how good you were to him and he'll realize how much he lost...even though she and I both know that it's not true. But that was what I wanted to hear at that time and so she said it.

How many people can talk to their grandma about stuff like that? She had never scold me. Never. Even when I get furious at times and let it out on her. She's the best grandma anyone could have. When I was in primary school, she would go to all the award ceremonies when my parents couldn't make it. When I went to high school, she was right there too..all the way thru college. I wanted her to come here for my graduation but she couldn't take the flight. On the night of my graduation, I called her and she said to me...that she would love to see me get married and have kids but if time does not permit, she wants me to have her wedding ring, which I should past it down to my kids. For me, all I want is to spend sometime with her...before it's too late. I don't want her to lead the rest of her life by herself. But what choice do I have? I can't just abandon my entire project and go home. I have expectations to meet here. I have a career path to set for myself.

I feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do. I don't want it to be too late one day. I'm worried. I don't want her to regret taking of me because I end up becoming someone who doesn't care about all she had done for me. Because I'm not. Every single day, I go to bed thinking about all the things she had done for me. Thinking about the times when no one is there for me and yet she's right there next to me. Times when I feel like it's the end of the world and she reminds me how precious life is. What am I suppose to do? What are the choices that I have? I wish that there's something I could do. I just can't help feeling guilty for being here.

graduation ceremonies

This past Saturday is the 2nd time I attended a graduation ceremony here at State. Both were for friends whom I've met for a very short time but we clicked within the first few moments. At Western, they were friends whom I've met in college or at Western itself. People came and go..the last close friend was the past Saturday. While I cheer for their success and wish them a smooth journey ahead, inside, I wish that time does not past so fast. I ask the unanswered question all the time - why do people you love have to leave?

Sometimes I blame myself for the time I take to warm up to people but with L, I knew we were going to be awesome the moment we met. Every moment with her and F is happy times. Even when I am feeling shitty, laughter comes naturally when I'm with both of them. I am definitely going to miss her - both her sweetness and her seriousness. At least F is going to be around for a while. I can't imagine weekends without either of them. It's going to be hard when one day I realize that I can't just flip open my phone and ask if they wanna go for a movie or dinner or something.

it still gets to me

Just saw this article.

Whenever I see articles like that, it gets to me. I know it's been over for a long time but part of me still holds a grudge against it. Maybe because it's the first time I've been rejected..twice!..for something that I worked so hard for. And it was the one time when race and financial status becomes a discriminating factor to me.

Remember when we were young, in high school and the ideal life is ...study hard, get all As, get into a good uni, get a good job and then comes the cheesy part of life. But sometimes it doesn't work out so well because getting all A's doesn't mean you'll get into a good uni. Yeah, it turns out that my life is following the ideal path but for a while back then, it felt like everything was screwed up.

I took an effort to take an extra subject in SPM so that I have a higher chance of getting the 7A's that was considered good at that time (of course with today's standard, 7A's is kacang putih lah). But did that get me into the local unis? Nopez. Twice. I applied twice but no reason why you were rejected..it was just an unfriendly tape recorded phrase saying that you were not accepted. That's it. Then they expect you to move on with your life without any alternative. Unless you have tons of money to end up in a private uni or go abroad. But I thank God, I had the opportunity to apply for scholarships that got me thru my undergraduate degree in the States. But what if I was from a family so poor they can't even help pay for my air ticket and application fee, which cost more than my mum's salary at that time. I am glad that I got the opportunity to earn enough today to afford returning the money back to my parents. Unfortunately, that means I have to be here, miles and miles away from my family and everything else I grew up on. The gov. expects students to go back to work..but without a job opportunity? How is that going to work? Mum have been looking out for new technologies in biology for me and keeping me up to date but I still don't have the image of a company that I can contribute to. Heck, all the research I can find in the local unis on microbiology are medical-based. That's just not my game.

I really agree when they mentioned in the article that "You need better opportunities, respect...". If they just shoved you off without a reason why you're not accepted, then expect you to go back and work for them...that's kinda too much right? If they don't have sufficient space for us to get into the local unis, why not increase the education standards? Make it less easy to get the A's then they get to deal with less application if they set the requirement to like 10A's or above only. That would definitely make us feel better than giving us all the A's and then telling us that we're not accepted but someone else with 5A's was accepted (am sure most of us know who the 5A's students were).

Whatever it is, I still feel lucky that I was not accepted into the local uni or else I wouldn't have the opportunity I have today back in M'sia. But irregardless, that was the only time I was rejected because I was the wrong race. What was worst, a couple years later when I was serving a guy from M'sia and he showed me an expired coupon which I had mentioned that it's expired, and we don't accept it. He came closer and said, "Eh, bumiputra ni. Boleh lah.". That sure got me on fire. What the hell is that suppose to mean?????????? I was so tempted to say, Dude, this only works when you're in Malaysia. Here, you gotta live like everyone else does. You can be special for being yourself but not special for having a certain race. Things don't work the same outside the home country.

This entry is based on my own experience. I'm sure some will not agree to this but this is what I've been shown and I'm not trying to tell you otherwise from your own experience. I am just venting the frustrations. Am still trying to work it out of my system.

comm. meeting done!!

Woohooo!! I just finished my committee meeting last night and now I feel so free. I woke up this morning and felt weird..I was like..hmm..what am I going to do now? Since I couldn't decide and I don't feel like getting up from my bed, I edited the slides for next time..yeah, nerd but at least it's still fresh in my mind so might as well get it done. Anyway, it went really well and it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be because they started asking me questions and it felt more like a discussion than me standing there crapping about stuff that I'm not sure if they understand. It actually make me feel motivated. A flicker of hope that the system might actually work out to be a good system. But everyone was well aware that I have tons of variation control to do.

Feeling light and relieved, I decided to go somewhere I haven't been to for lunch and suggested that we go to Pita Pit. It turned out that none of us in the lab have been there before. Got a turkey pita with banana peppers and alfalfa sprouts, which was REALLY good!! Later in the afternoon, Dr. M treated us to Peanut Barrel for TAing for his class. That was definitely fun. We were joking and bitching and laughing. I thought we got a little too far when too much alcohol was consumed but it was definitely a good time for me. Can't remember the last time I laughed so much my cheek hurts. The only thing that sucks is..my coat smells a cigarette bud now. Urghhh!

Back to bed...maybe. *grins*

trip to K'zoo

It's graduation weekend in Kalamazoo. I took a drive down to congratulate V. I've been sitting in on people's graduation since BK's graduation in May 2003 - which is a lot! Out of so many, never once did I find any of them unique except for the few extra clips they added into the movie on 'days at Western' last year. This year, I decided to just go for the photo session after the ceremony instead of the entire thing. I got a good reason too - my committee meeting is next Friday, which I have yet to finish and I have lab reports to grade.

While graduation ceremony was usually held at Miller Auditorium, this semester, the ceremony is held at University Arena, the sports arena where Broncos plays basketball home games. They had to move it this year because Phantom of the Opera is playing at Miller and Ping is wishing she could stay one more day to watch the Phantom...but of course, priority list does not include that.

The number of people I know in K'zoo is getting less and less. V is one of the last few people I know. He was my apartment-mate during my undergrad and have been a great friend. He knows how to treat a friend right and I just had to be there to congratulate him in person. While others finish their undergrad degree in 4 years or so, he took a longer time to find what he really wanted to study. But when he found it, he was right on track. Saw how he changed from the 24/7 Xbox addict to a diligent student who now has the experience most undergrads do not pursue. I hope that he'll be able to find a job he likes here.

Since I was gonna be there, I decided to call J and Q for dinner and some catching up. We went to Rasa Ria, a restaurant serving Malaysian and Indonesian food. They don't have as many choices as Ria here in East Lansing but they definitely have good stuff. The dishes are more of the malay style than the hawker food style. I had a plate of mee siam which was pretty good but they used a different kind of noodle. I think it would have been a lot better if they had used bihun. I also ta pau a box of nasi ayam kampung. That is sooooooo good. I'll definitely drop by there again the next time I take a trip to K'zoo.

Billy Joel

It's Billy Joel! Bought the CD last week from Black, Flat and Circular and he's been my company for the past couple of days in the lab. It's busy busy days for Ping but feeling good about it 'coz I've been productive. Last week was busy grading all the lab notebooks (definitely enough for now!!) and this week I'm trying to organize my thoughts for committee meeting next week. At the same time, I am working on a few experiments that makes me think about the next step..kinda scary. What if this is all going the wrong way? What if this is something that cannot be proven even if speculatively, it seems likely? On the other hand, excited that it's not a dead end yet, that there's something to look forward to and that it is thought-provoking. Doesn't it makes you feel good when something makes you think..really think and use your brains? Am also busy guiding my students to finish up their final lab report and it's also making me feel good as I can see the progress they've had throughout this semester and the effort that some of them puts in. And of course, life is not all work. We have to play too right?? :P There was the BBQ and the Thai Cultural and Charity Dance to collect funds for the children in Thailand that are in poverty.

Ever gone through time when you're just so nervous about the next step, losing your confidence over small issues and having thoughts that you might end up being a failure? I guess sometimes we need encouragement and motivation and it's hard to provide that to ourself. Especially me, who always feels like I'm never good enough to be up there or to be part of something. Now I kinda know why Edmund says I don't have enough self-esteem. I can be optimistic and confident about something that I know I did it before. But when it's something new, I hold back, I move as though I'm stepping on pebbles instead of a solid path. All my friends have never seen me when I lose confidence, when I back away because I don't think I can be part of it or I can make it that far. No one believes me when I say 'I don't think I can do it'. They'll just shove the thought aside and say, 'Hei..you're Ping. You'll get it no matter what'. How do they know? Is it because I only show what people expects from me and when I'm upset I never show it out? Why can't I be the one taking advice instead of giving? Sometimes..just sometimes..I wish there is someone that I can complain to and not get the 'aiyah..worry what lah. Always say worry but still do it'. How about holding that back and say something like 'hei..you'll be fine. Just focus on your aim and work on it step-by-step'..or something like that? But I guess that's not gonna happen...which makes this phrase from Billy Joel's You're Only Human my favorite song of the week.

You've been keeping to yourself these days
Cause you're thinking everything's gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along

On Monday, I received the letter with the list of those who will be my colleagues at MBL. Half of the list are people from prestigious universities and most likely have publications and are moving along in their own project. Me? I am still working on troubleshooting my model. I'm not even applying my model yet. Publications? They are just for conferences, not anything major. It kinda made me nervous about going and about my project. Then I talked to Tom and he kinda make me feel more confidence. He told me that I have experience and think a lot about my work, about my models and is constantly thinking of ways to disprove my null hypothesis. Then that reminds me..if I can't talk about what everyone else know, or understand what other people are working on, at least I know I'm good in what I do.

Regardless, I know I'll still feel nervous when the time gets closer. For now, I am nervous over my first committee meeting next week...that's why I'd rather be busy because it makes me feel good that I'm moving along, that it's not a dead end yet.

students

Finals week is not until next week but the lab that I am assisting for has a lab report due this week. Considering that not all my students got a chance to finish their experiments in time, I took the effort to have an open lab session this morning. I brought along with me 3 research articles as I thought no one was going to turn up. But surprisingly, there were about 15 students who came in. Some had questions and some just came to look at their results. Some were glad that I had the open lab.

I never thought that I would be able to teach someone else after the failure of teaching my lil bro maths in high school. I used to wanna be a teacher..remember the stuff we have to fill up during report card week? Teacher was always one of my options. Until one day, mum asked me to teach ahboy maths and I totally threw that ambition out of my mind. He was so stubborn. But today, I felt good after the open lab session. I was so glad that I could help out with all these kids. They were very patient and understanding with some of my explanations. For some reason, I tend to explain some stuff longer than necessary. It definitely made my day and no doubt, I would be willing to TA for the class again.

Today is actually one of my better Mondays. Although I didn't get as much done as I had plan, I did get some work done and some readings out of the way. Even got a chance to talk to BK and he actually made me feel better too. I just can't find a reason why after so long, his moods still affects me, giving me mix feelings. But today, I actually feel like a real friend to him...and that I matters to him. Maybe we can actually be friends after all...

BBQ at Hawk Island Park

The spring is here!!! Lovely weather - not hot enough to sweat and cool enough to wear shorts and throw the thick winter coat out the window. The weekend was around the corner and we can't help making use of it so we had a small BBQ party.

It was held at Hawk Island Park. It is a small park with a playground and 1.5 mile pathway for jogging, roller blading, biking or just walking. They also provide BBQ pits and sitting area. It is still too early to be crowded so it was just nice. We went there last year and enjoyed ourselves there. We have a different group this year as most of those who organized the gathering last year had gone back to Malaysia for good. I also invited 2 other friends from work and MW brought 4 other friends from work too so it wasn't exactly a Malaysian only gathering.

I made some chicken satay, pork on skewers with green peppers and prepared the BBQ must haves - hot dog and cocktail sausages. TT brought chicken wings, corn and potatoes. Although it was a nice weather to be out, it was too windy for BBQ because it took forever to cook the chicken wings. We had to cover them with layers and layers of foil. It definitely was a very environmental unfriendly event as we used 2 rolls of 50 yards foil and 3 bags of charcoal. MW's friend also brought beef kebab. Fan and Ling bought cake from Dusty's Cellar for dessert. When the cake comes from Dusty's Cellar, dessert must never be missed! Their cakes are all really good.

Overall, it was a great weekend and thankfully we decided to move it to Saturday instead of Sunday because it was dull, wet and gloomy on Sunday. It was a great weekend girls!!

gastric pain

Back in high school days thru college days, I used to be 'chua' (or more harsh, lan si) about my eating habits. I used to be able to go thru the entire day without eating anything until dinner time. My lil bro, mum, ex, some of my friends will have to worry about getting gastric pain when they miss a meal or gone for too long without food. At that time, I was also very kiam siap to save money for when I come here so it was a good thing. Being naive, I thought that I'll never experience the pain and am immune to it because I'm used to eating one meal a day.

Similarly, when I came to the States for my undergrad, my bad habits came with me. I cooked dinner almost every night then so that's where I get most of my nutrients and calories from. Lunch time would usually be something really light or if classes are too close, I would skip it too. At the same time, due to deprivation from lots of expensive good food, I tend to overeat during the rare occasion when we would go out for dinner. It's worst when we go to a buffet or my favorite place, Applebees! But after that meal, I could go on for quite sometime without any solid food. Of course I still need water ler.

I am pretty much still the same. When I'm really hungry, I'll go out for dinner and tend to overeat. Then I'll go on for a few days surviving on yogurt, tea and oranges. But I have been eating breakfast for the past year just so I don't feel hungry during my first lecture, which can be very distracting sometimes. Sometime last week, I had a sharp pain just below my chest and I thought it was the usual pain I get when I carry something that's really heavy. But the pain did not go away. Instead, it got worse. I felt like someone just punched me in my stomach and like I was gonna vomit. I drank some milk and ate a few pieces of biscuit thinking that maybe I was hungry but it didn't help. Tried to go to sleep and it was still bugging me. But after a while, I got tired and slept off. I woke up the next morning feeling fine except for a sore feeling at my stomach. Never thought about it at all until last night.

The pain hit again. Thankfully, I just got home and was preparing for bed. I ignore it and tried to go to sleep, which I eventually did. But I was thinking back to see if I had been skipping my meals. Not surprising, I realized that I haven't eaten a decent meal in the past 3-4 days. The last heavy meal I remembered eating was mee rebus on Sunday night. I didn't get a chance to go get groceries this weekend so all that was in my fridge is tubs and tubs of yogurt, lots and lots of oranges and soy milk. For some reason, I lost my apetite to eat anything else except for these few stuff. I have no idea what happened to me since it's not stressful period. I know that it's because of a lost of apetite instead of a 'I forgot to eat' reason. I went to Goodrich today for groceries and I didn't feel like buying anything at all except for another bag of oranges and few packets of PepperRidge Farm biscuits. Hope I get my apetite back for solid food soon...the pain is awful. (I know I know, lots of you are anxious to say 'I told you so' but I don't really feel hungry when I know I"ve been eating...my body is just not getting it as much as I know I'm consuming food).

Annie

What do you do when you're upset, disappointed and frustrated? Comfort food...nah..then I'll be so full I can eat anything else for the next day. It's Annie:The Musical!! The tour is on and they are in Lansing, right here at Wharton Center.

Just got back from watching Annie. It was definitely a good show..both for their talent and the badly-needed laughter for me. The story is about an orphan, Annie who was determined to find her parents. She ran away from the orphanage, which was run by a mean lady who made them do all the housework. Not going too far, she got caught and was brought back to the orphanage. Lucky thing, a billionaire who was once an orphan was looking for an orphan to celebrate Christmas in his house with him. Annie was the selected one. Initially, she was supposed to spend only 2 weeks in his house but they warmed up to each other and he wanted to adopt her. But she was still determined to find her parents and he offered to help by rewarding anyone who could identify her parents. As you would expect, tons of people appeared in front of his house declaring themselves as Annie's parents...just for the 'qian' lah. The lady who took care of the orphanage 'pakat' with her brother to trick Annie into thinking he's her dad. Too bad, the billionaire caught him before he gave Annie back. And so the story ended with Annie having a billionaire dad.

I always have a soft spot for family shows or movies. When I was in F1-F3, they used to show really good family movies on Saturday morning on TV3 I think. Remember how they usually start with a cartoon then some educational show (sponsored by KFC or something like that) and then there'll be a movie. I used to watch every one of them when there's no extra-curriculum activities (which I drag everytime we had one...because I had to take the public bus and there's no direct bus that goes to SS17. We had to stop at Subang Parade and walked to school. When it's time to go home, we had to walk to the other side of SS17 to catch the bus). Those movies were the really good ones...and watching Annie reminds me of The Little Princess. Not the remake but the one by Sherley Temple. Then there's Herbie, Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, The Secret Garden (which they now have the book online too!!) and lots and lots more. They are kids movie but they are really good ones...not like the teen movies today that are full of unrealistic paradigmns and bad examples.

Yeah..definitely miss those days. Saturday was my favorite day especially when dad was around as we get to go out for family fun after lunch. Unfortunately dad was never around much but those few moments were definitely the best. I've had a chance to have dad all to myself last summer so we're closer now...and one thing I've learnt, no matter how many of your friends, gf/bf betrays you, your parents will always be there. I was always afraid to tell my parents some stuff because I thought they were gonna say 'I told you so' but nope, that wasn't what I got. Both mum and dad stood by me all the way...no accusing 'I told you he wasn't for you'..but they listened and told me to stay strong. They are the best!! Ooppzzz...side-tracking...better stop now. Gotta go finish grading...sigh...

Grrrrr...frust nya.

Mikey, I think I should heed your advice and go for the 'counseling advisor' position.

How did I get into this mess? Next time I ask a guy 'how are you' and their answer is not good because they are having girl problem...knock me on the head and remind to just say 'I'm sorry but I can't talk now'. Yeah, I could just have exit MSN and just go do something else. But no, I had to feel bad for them and try to console them. How can I walk away when a friend so dear is in such a heartbreak? How can I not try to cheer them up? It breaks my heart when they look so upset although at the same time, they are hurting me.

Three months ago I was consoling JJ when he had a fight with his gal...even though he hid the truth from me for almost a year, making me think he was really gonna accept State and that he's coming alone. (no worries JJ..you're still my buddy..or is there a reason I should not forgive ya?? *wink* ) Then the past weekend, it was BK who's breaking my heart. This time it's for two reason. One - he's so upset and I hate to see him that way. Second - he's fallen in love again. Not surprising. But this time, he's falling hard. So here I am on a roller-coaster ride again. Happy for him 'coz he's found the girl he wants, sad for him 'coz it's not all peachy, and sad for myself 'coz it's like losing him again. On the other side, all of you who have been on my side would be proud to know that I was being good. No tantrums. No sarcastic remark. Did my best to console him and with all my respect, I kept my words separated from my emotions and no accusations. (:P I know I'm praising myself here but hei, it's a victory for me). It's hard but I'm crawling through. With all my heart, I wish him best of luck to getting LS back and that happiness and true love be with them always. As for you JJ, you gotta keep that promise of yours when she comes over...she's doing it for you so I hope you'll make it worth it for her. Way to go guyz!!

That's enough heart breaks to last me a lifetime. No more getting myself into such murky puddles. They gotta deal with whatever comes next. It's too risky...came this far and yet a small slip will make me drown in the sorrow again. Isn't this frustrating? Just when I thought I'm all fine, that I'm totally over all that had happen, I'm back up on the roller coaster ride. Blah!

sun and wind

It's such a lovely weather outside I couldn't resist the temptation to go out even though I had stacks of lab notebooks to grade. So I grabbed my camera and took off walking around the campus. With such bright sun and cooling wind, what better way could I spend my Saturday afternoon right?

Most of the flowers have yet to bloom but the buds are out and they should be blooming anytime soon. Magnolia is one of early bloomers and it's just lovely to see magnolia trees all white full with flowers.

I especially love trees that does not have leaves. When they are in full bloom, the entire tree will be covered and they are simply fascinating. For Magnolia, it can grow right out from the branch itself.

My other favorite is some blue flower. I see them here and there but have no idea what is its name. It kinda look like bluebells but there are more petals and they are separated from each other. Someone once told me that there is a bluebell woods someone in UK. It is so thick that the ground looks blue during blooming season. Would definitely love to go there one day. Bluebells and lavendar are definitely my soft spot but they are very rare...maybe that's why I don't get lots of flowers. :P

Came across a tree that looks suitable for a treehouse. We had a mango tree when we were staying in Bayan Baru and I loved climbing up on it just to catch the view from up there. When my parents chopped it off, we I wished that we would get a tree like this so that we can built a treehouse just for me. But of course that never did happen..but we got another mango tree when we moved to Batu Feringghi and it's bearing mangoes already!!!

It's been a long time since I walk out and enjoy nature's gift. Sometimes I get caught up with work and keep thinking that I have to keep going or I'll slack. But it doesn't always have to be like that. I came home a lot fresher and simple things like these reminds me of the beautiful life I'm granted with. It's not often one come across such lovely and peaceful day. I don't have to be watching all these thru a tv screen wishing I could see it, feel it and experience it for myself because I am part of it. I just love feeling the warmth of the sun shining on down onto my face as I lay down on the grass or just listening to the whispers of the trees. Even the squirrels are coming out again. Simply wonderful! There's more pics here too...

burung kakak tua

Was walking out of the kitchen and when I tripped over the little stool by the corner. Mumbled to myself that I should watch my path or I'll lose my teeth by the age of 30 and the tune to this song came to mind...

Burung kakak tua..
something something..
nenek sudah tua..
giginya tinggal dua.

Lettum, lettum, ooh la la..(or something like that)

Wanna remind me where this tune comes from? I think it's from Standard 1 or 2 when we had to learn all the pantuns..but I can't really remember. Why all of the sudden? I don't know either. Haha..just a random thought.

taugeh

Remember when we were kids (mostly us girls since ahboy never had to it :P) and mum would make us peel the 'ends' of taugeh for taugeh char kiam hu or the skin of peanut for soup? I used to dislike doing that, especially the taugeh ones, because it takes forever! But that's how we were brought up. Everytime we buy taugeh, we have to peel the ends and we got used to eating 'cleaned' taugeh. While I never did volunteer to do them, it will still be something that I will make my kids do one day. It wasn't just the taugeh that we had to peel but it was helping mum in the kitchen, spending time with mum and sometimes with dad and ahmah too. Sometimes we'll talk about what's going on in school and work..or we'll just pop in an oldies cd and sing along. Of course sometimes I'll talk too much and get the 'kah meh pek lah..kong uah ah ne cheh'. But if was definitely bonding time.

Today, people doesn't seem to be doing that anymore..or maybe it's just people here. Was having dinner at a chinese restaurant - char hor fun with chicken. They don't peel the ends of the taugeh! This morning, bought a bag of taugeh and started peeling the tails when roommate walked into the kitchen. 'Ping, do you know that it's okay to eat the that (refer to the ends)?' I told her that I know it's edible but I've been taught to peel them before cooking or eating them. Maybe it's just me but I'm pretty sure a lot of us were taught the same thing too. I even remember that you'll see some of the hawker sellers sitting by their stall after the lunch crowd peeling their taugeh..or maybe not anymore since I haven't seen any for a long time. But while I was eating the char hor fun, I just couldn't help thinking - don't they peel off the ends before they cook them???

Unsatisfied, I cooked my own char taugeh with hae and some sambal belachan from Hup Loong...after peeling off the ends. Even if the taste is not much difference with or without the ends, it still looks better without it.

stitch

Look...it's Stitch! These pics are taken by ahboy and posted as per his request. Stitch is my cousin's dog and he's soooooo huge already...but I'm comparing him to JubJub, which is a lot younger than Stitch. Isn't he cute??? But then I like JubJub's color better (no I'm not being racist!)...it just reminds me of Pinky. Too bad Trappers Cove don't allow me to get dogs, but then hor, when I have to go home or go away for a while, who's going to take care of him/her leh? Never mind ler..I'll just go home and play with Stitch or JubJub.

It would be funny if he just stuck out his tongue and licks your camera lense. What did you do to get this picture? It's not like 'Stitch' leh...too kuai.

mini-lab

While all the incidents were going on last night, I started liquid chromatography of my fluorescent proteins through a hydrophobic interaction column. But my protein solution was too concentrated that it takes forever for the sample to go through the column. I was tired of waiting for it when the time past 3am so I packed up a little mini-lab to bring home the column and all the stuff I need so that I don't have to go in this morning. It would be disappointing if I missed it and my column dried out or if I got there and it was still a long way more to go.

Been able to get 3 columns done and went back to lab this afternoon to exchange new columns and get more elution buffer. No worries...only working with protein, not carrying any biohazardous material out of the lab.

science and fun

It's been a while since I can describe my weekend in more than a sentence. I was doing something else!

Let's start with Friday afternoon (yeah..it started on Friday!). Managed to get quite a bit done on Friday and still got home by 7pm. Just before I left, I was sitting in the conference room talking to Fan about the lab we TA for when it started raining. After a while, the rain stopped and a rainbow appeared!!! I wished so badly I had my camera with me but nope, I could just watch it and plant the image in my memory. It's the most beautiful rainbow I've seen. The 6th floor conference room window gave us a large, unblocked view of the complete rainbow, starting from one end to the other. I could even count all the 7 colors. It was just amazing. It lasted for quite a while too.

Went home around 7pm, laze around for a while just reading papers and surfing until I slept off maybe around 10pm. Woke up at 4am on Saturday morning to get ready to meet KH and JW at the loading dock of BPS. JW drove us down to Ferris State University for the MI-ASM Spring Meeting. It's been 2 years since I last attended a MI branch ASM meeting and I didn't expect to see anyone there except for my previous PI from WMU. So I wasn't surprised when we got there and she was the only person I knew. The reason we decided to go this year is because Dr. Breznak was giving a talk on physiological diversity in termite guts. KH and JW went to support and I went because I have yet to hear him talk. He was the first speaker and we were going to leave after that. But JW decided to stay for the 2nd talk. I'm glad he did because halfway through Dr. Breznak's talk, a bunch of people from WMU came in! The break between the first and second talk gave me a chance to catch up with them. It's nice to see people I haven't seen in a while and to hear what research they are up to. Listening to JA's work, I realized that I never did have a lot of interest in it when I was at WMU but right now, I am working on something similar. That's when I realized that my aim in life has changed quite a bit from 2.5 years ago. It was also nice to know that these people remembered me for my work, for the stuff I've contributed in the lab..and unfortunately, for my tiny writing too. I had a great time there! Both meeting old lab mates and listening to the talks. The second talk was about nitrogen regulation in Klebsiella which I did not understand much but I thought the speaker was really good.

By the time we got back at MSU, it was already 3pm. I stayed a while in the lab to get stuff going and came home for a nap and dinner. Went back to lab around 8pm to check on my proteins and went to a movie and band night on campus. They showed 'Hard Day's Night' by the Beatles followed by a local band, the Yellow Submarine, which is a Beatles Tribute band. They sang all the Beatles greatest hits and some other songs from well-known Broadway music shows. Went back to the lab after the band and found out that the -80 freezer temperature was at -58C. The alarm went off after a while and I panicked. We have a lot of glycerol culture stocks in there and it's not good if the temperature kept increasing....

It sure was too much to handle on Saturday which is usually my chill out day. But sometimes, I don't mind it, like this Saturday. It's nice to be doing stuff away from my norm once in a while.

How sick is this?

‘Police made me strip’

Am looking through The Star in between centrifugation cycles. Came across this article and it totally gross me out. Sometimes, no matter how much I would love to be back home in my home country, it's situation like this that makes me hesitate. Give her a break man..she's a mum! with three kids!! Why do they need to do that to her for? For a boost of self-confidence? That is just so wrong. What happen to all the ethics we were taught in Moral class in high school? What happen to the well known 'friendly Malaysians'? Worst of all, it involves our own police force. How could we still trust them to protect us? To provide us with justice when we need it? To put them high in our pedastal because they are our shield? This is just so sad and disappointing...

snowflakes

Had been a crazy week...or maybe it's been a crazy 2 weeks. For the last three days, all I did was sat in front of the computer, from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. Had my lunch and dinner right in front of the computer too. But I finally presented the data this morning...after a two hours of sleep for the past 48 hours, I think I did a pretty good job (ish ish, praising herself). Well, how well it is doesn't matter as long as all the PIs was satisfied with it. In fact, I think we now have more information than they had before.

As for now, my days will go by without looking at the screen for a while. So I'll be leaving this picture for my visitors to ponder upon.

This was taken sometime last week at 6.55am in the morning. The snow was just falling and these clumps are still fresh on the surface of my car. I love it when the snow falling are not all clumped up together (which can be fun sometimes if you decide to build a snowman) but are in its distinct shape. There's a believe that no two snowflakes are alike...how true is that?

Unfortunately, the snow did not stayed around for long as it melts once it touches the ground.

Now that I post all the snowflakes pictures for my fellow M'sians who have yet to see snow, I will leave my readers (few, but definitely appreciated) with another picture of snowflakes and you can look for yourself it the really is an evidence for the 'no two snowflakes are alike' theory.

loves chewing ice???

'Everything is everywhere, the environment selects'... while this is the paradigm of microbial ecology about half a century ago, we now know that this is not always true. However, there are still some cosmopolitan strains such as Escherichia coli. Even then, it's abundance is usually very low. But when it gets to a certain level, it is 'predicted' that the environment is contaminated by human excretes. Why? That's because it is found in human feces and can be used as an indication of contamination. It is also linked to a variety of gastrointestinal diseases, some deadly while some mild. It still amaze me how one species of bacterial can be such a pain in the ass and yet bears the answer to fundamental microbiology. Isn't that interesting? But I'm kinda sick of it...we know so much already. We need new stuff!

Recently, a girl collected ice from fast-food chains and test for presence of E. coli for her science project. She's 12 and already has the mind of a microbiologist. At 12, I don't think I know what a bacteria was...I was still trying to memorize the all the layers found in the skin organ and draw the map of Malaysia (carbon paper sure was something to be treasured at that time!). Guess what her result came out...positive for all the ice she collected. And what's more intriguing, the water from the toilet that she collected were negative or has less E. coli. Can you believe that??? Well, I definitely can. The water that goes into the toilet bowl comes directly from the wastewater treatment and if the toilet bowl is clean, it should be pretty much low in bacteria especially if it is being flushed often. As for the ice, there are tons of hands going in there daily. True, there'll be scoop but how many people can say that they don't touch the ice when scooping it up? Furthermore, if the ice-machine is left open like those at kopi-tiams along New Lane or Macalister Rd, there'll be even more bacteria. I can't even imagine the counts one would get from places like these if there are tons from fast-food chains which are way cleaner than a kopi-tiam at Swatow Lane.

So for those who likes to chew on ice...beware...you might be consuming more bacteria than you should. Definitely not a good idea when immune system is weak...maybe that's why mum always prevent us from eating ice when we're sick.

STOMP

Went to watch Stomp last night (yup yup, despite all the late nights and yet to be finished task list. But hey, it's a once in a blue moon opportunity!). I have seen clips of it before at some of the video stores in Mid Valley or One Stop, Penang. I was intrigue by the performance but never thought that I could actually watch it live! But there I was, sitting right in the middle of Wharton Center, enjoying the 1 hour 40 mins 'chaos'.

There were only 7 casts members. They started out with sweeping the floor with a broom and moved into knocking the broom stick on the stage. Then it was with poles and bins and matchboxes...all the things that everyone would find in the house. One person will usually make some noise from an instrument and then the others follow and it become a blend of sounds like an orchestra instead of just 'noise'. While watching it, I remembered one day when dad found an aluminium sheet somewhere in the house and he was moving it to make noise. We were all irritated and told him to stop it. And here I am, paying USD25 to watch people make noise with bins and paper bags and newspapers. I can imagine showing the clips to ahmah and telling her I paid RM100 to watch that. I will very likely get a 'U lui bo lor khai' (literally, has money but no road to spend - basically it means money spent unwisely). We also had a metal washing machine drum from an old washing machine that dad had dismantled and had made a 'drum' out of it. So we were kinda close to Stomp...but for some reason, not quite up there. hehe..I think if we try that at home, we'll just get a 'mai cho luan lah' (don't make noise!).

The best part of the play was towards the end when he had the audience follow them. We were clapping different tunes and different parts of our body (which actually gives you different sound and they can blend really well), stomping our feets, clicking our fingers...that was fun.

Happy St. Patrick's day

I just realized something..I don't have any green top! The only one I have is a MSU sweater with the Spartan green. We were planning to wear green today since it's St. Patrick's day but when I looked into my closet this morning, I don't have any! So end up wearing my MSU sweater.

It's 8.20am and there is already a long line outside the bars! Can you imagine that? They can wake up in time to line up for green beer but not to class on regular days? Hmm...

infected

Whenever your doctor tells you that the cure to a sickness is just to relax and chill? Believe it. I consider myself a living proof. *grins*

Growing up with a dad who drill me about the importance of being optimistic, I don't get stress out very often. The number of times I get really stressed out can be counted with just my fingers. A major exam, a paper due soon, family events, etc...I get nervous but rarely stressed out. But when I do, I am bound to fall sick soon. Then I'll have to remind myself to cool it and take it one step at a time. Unlike my lil brother, I rarely fall sick too..once or twice a year is all about as much as I get. But if I get stressed out, the once or twice is big deal enough that I am glad that is all I get.

The past week has been really hectic. I had so many plans for experiments but I only got 3 of them done. Why? I had to get some 16S rDNA sequences analyzed and as I started working on it, I realized that some of the solution I need involves multiple programs. Grrrrr...why can't all computer scientist write in the same language? First of all was trying to figure out how to use DOTUR. That was really easy as it runs from command prompt. The same goes for S-Libshuff and TreeClimber...but they were all written by P. Schloss. When I had to take DOTUR's output and input it into EstimateS, I had to use a Java conversion script. It's suppose to be easy right? I mean..hei..it's just Java. Then went into some challenges with the script. Also learned the hard way that I can't copy the path from MS Word into the command prompt. Grrrrr...they are the same!! But apparently the computer must be reading it different. Got that all solved out eventually.

Next I have to built tree. Started out using MEGA. It is a great program and it runs on all MAC, Windows and Linux terminal which is good so I don't have to keep changing the format of my raw data. But guess what...the input for MEGA is totally different from any of the output I get! So what now? Have to do it manually lor. So started writing the script for changing the format of my data into MEGA's format. That was kinda easy...but took me 4 freaking hours straight! Besides playing Diablo or WarCraft, I don't sit in front of the computer for that long!!! And that was just dealing with 250 sequences. Thankfully, MEGA's output can be churned into TreeClimber easily. See..we need more computer scientist who think about other people. They have to learn to accomodata different formats!!

Now, am trying to learn Python. I want to use UniFrac to compare my libraries and this program was writen with the Python interpreter. *pulls hair back in frustration* One day, if I ever have the luxury to stay home and do nothing, I think I will take a class on writing scripts with Perl. Then I'll compile a program that will convert any of these different formats to any format that the user required. There must also be a program that can recognize sequence strings from different library based on their ID and color code them. Wouldn't that be so much easier? Currently we have to import the trees or sequences into Adobe Illustrator and color code them ourselves. Imagine if you have 400 sequences, you have to go through each of them, highlight it and change the color. Too bad the Ctrl button doesn't work for Illustrator. Hmm..now that I'm thinking about this, maybe if we save the Illustrator file with postscript extension then open it in MS Word and use the 'find and replace' function...maybe that might work.

How did I get to talking about all these????? Oh yeah..stressed out. So yeah..that's the spill of my stresses this past week. The challenge I faced last year when constructing a plasmid did not even made me so stressed out. It's only been a week or so since I had to bury myself into programming books and it's already driving me crazy. I think it's because it's not my field and I have no idea what is going on. The worst is when I get erros. Not knowing the codes well enough, it drives me nuts whenever there are 'syntax error' because I don't know where to start correcting. What more when sometimes the error could just be a semi-colon or an extra space (especially Python which is sensitive to spacing AND caps lock).

Due to all these crazy programs, now I am stuck with bacterial infection. Working with bacteria all the time, especially when doing batch growth, it is common to get infection once in a while but when we're healthy physically and mentally, the infection is not obvious. It is only when we get stressed out and the hormones seem to interfere with the immune system that the infection get worse. At this point, it is still at the early stage but I can feel the swell in my lymph nodes already. It gets worst at night when I am tired and my immune system doesn't seem to wanna work with me here. Sleeping is hard because when I lie on one side, the swelling increase due to fluid accumulation. Ice-cream makes me feel better but I don't think I can fit anything in my fridge anymore. Driving to Wendy's to get a freeze right now is too much of a chore too...don't wanna drive. So I've been sucking on ice all day. Am thinking of staying home tomorrow and come in just before my class tomorrow but I have to meet with Tom (the boss) before class. *head hangs down*

At the same time, all these crap is making me miss someone. One of the times that I got infection and it was one of the really bad ones, I didn't have to do anything except sleep and eat ice-cream. He was the sweetest then...

Alright, time to get back to cracking my head trying to use these programs. Praying hard I can get the tree to run on TreeClimber and analyze it with UniFrac. If not, I might have to start using Arb..boo hoo..am trying to avoid that.

game over...

Phew! That slow coach actually reaches stationary phase after 16 hours!! I can finally go home...and pray that I can wake up early enough to start comparing sequences before class. Spent the entire night trying to figure out the input for Arlequin. Can't all the computer scientist think with the same language? Why must they have different input format for different programs? Some are easy enough that they provide you a Java or C++ code conversion script. But unfortunately, Arlequin does not. Instead, it gives you some template code and I have to figure it out myself what to put where. Grrrrr....

Grumpy..need sleep (she actually realized that! I thought I have to start a mantra here!).

antsy

Got home at 11pm and I thought once I have my dinner, I will zoned out until tomorrow morning. But it's 3.30am and I'm still wide awake. Tired but wide awake. There's so much going on that I can't get myself to concentrate on anything. When I get started on something, an hour later I start feel tired and agitated. It's like I have to be everything all at once but that doesn't work all the time right?

After dinner sat down to read a chapter on Microbial Diversity but halfway through I decided to wash the dishes. Tried to read after that but my eye lid felt heavy and I was dozing off. Lie on the bed tried to sleep but my mind was wheeling through all the articles that I need to read, all the stuff I need to check, next week's experiments, etc... I get these feelings every once in a while when I am overwhelmed with lots of stuff. There are new experiments I am eager to try but don't know enough to get started. That means I have a lot to read up first but there's also stuff that I should read up and concentrate on first. Arghggh..distressed, antsy, unconsolable, agitated, bothered, fidgety..all at the same time. Usually a run around the block or a round on the threadmill does the trick but I'm at home and there's not a whole lot I can do pump up the adrenaline supply I need.

Ended up cleaning the bathroom, my desk, my bedroom, the kitchen...and now I have nothing else to clean anymore. My car maybe? But it's kinda dark and I am already comfortable in my pajamas. Maybe I should just lie on the bed and count sheep. One...two...three...

dogs

Went with Steph to walk UL's dog, N, this afternoon. N has seen us a few times but they were quite some time ago. N has a history that made him very skittish around strangers. We were not sure if he's going to be okay with us but UL thinks that he'll be fine once we pet him and give him some time to get comfy with us. I personally thought it's going to be fun as I do like N (he reminds me of my own childhood Pomeranian, Pinky).

When we first started getting close to N, he started shaking and barking. It seems like he was really afraid of us. He jumped up onto the couch and won't get near us at all. Steph went closer to get hold of the lease and tried coaxing her to come closer to us. After what feels like an eternity, he finally came close enough for Steph to pet her. After we pet him and played with him in the house for a while, we brought him outside and locked the door. But guess what, our little friend here kept looking at the locked door and won't budge an inch!! I kept telling him that it'll be a fun walk and we'll walk the way UL usually brings him but all he did was looked at the door. It seems like he expects UL to come out of the door and rescue him but we told him that UL won't be back till late night. After a while, he finally started walking around. We walked him to the front of the house and when we got to the front door, he stopped again! We got frustrated so Steph carried him and we walked away from the house and put him down. He walked a few steps, stopped, looked back towards the house and started pulling us back.

In the end, we didn't really walked him at all because all we did was went around the house. Either we looked really mean like we were going to kidnap him or he is just a really shy dog. When we brought him back to the house, we gave him a treat and we won't eat it either! (and I thought dogs are always looking for food!!). There goes our Saturday afternoon that was suppose to be fun!

I am not much of a pet person but if I stay in M'sia with my family, I think I would have gotten a dog..one similar to my Pinky. She came to our family just a few months before I was born. She stayed with me all the time and we were just the same size! When I was about to go to primary school, my family moved to PJ and we had to leave her with my grandma because we were renting a house. Unfortunately, not too long later she died of flu but according to my grandma, she's really old too. I didn't get a chance to see her because she died but I'll always remember the times when she watches over me as I was growing up. Almost every picture of me as a little girl has Pinky in it...

Hayman Island

Ever been to Lover's Isle close to Penang Swimming Club at Batu Feringghi? It's a really cute island, big enough to have it all to yourself and small enough not to get lost. It used to be within swimming distance from Penang Swimming Club but not sure if it still is or if it is still safe to swim over. When I was younger, I used to wish that I could live on the island with my family. (Blurrr...I was already living on an island!! It was just too big for me that I didn't realize it I guess). Built a small two-storey house maybe... As I grew up, I always wonder who owns the island and if someone can just buy it like buying land and built their own house there. Wouldn't that be cool? But it would be kinda dangerous when tsunami happens right? (How in the world would I know that tsunami would happen in Malaysia!!!)

Recently, dad accepted a job in Australia at Hayman Island. I was checking out their website and wow! I'm impress. On the entire island, there is just one resort. Just ONE. That's it. There's nothing else except for the resort. It'll probably be kinda boring to work there for a long time. But to go there for a vacation, I think it'll be lots of fun and definitely relaxing. I can imagine being there during non-peak season, having the entire place to myself (well, almost to myself), with great seafood being served anytime I'm hungry, enjoying the unpolluted breeze of Great Barrier Reef, and swimming with the colorful fishes of Australia in the clear, sky blue water of the Reef. They also have a whole bunch of water sports (I know I know, we can get this from Ferringhi Beach but I'm sure this IS different *grins*) and trails to explore the island. I wonder if there are wild animals on the other side of the island where it is still a jungle..if not, it'll be kinda fun to get lost and try to find your way around to the right side of the island. Haha..just a thought!

The one thing that might make this trip seem too far out of reach is the PRICE. The cheapest one I saw is A$620...calculating...USD455 per night. *Gulp* That means with one month pay, I only get to stay for 3 nights? Hmmm...not worth it wor. I'll just go back to Langkawi or Pulau Paya. Then again, maybe it'll be worth it when I'm earning USD4500 per month right? Yeah, if by the time I get married I still haven't been to Australia, maybe Hayman Island will be a good honeymoon spot. Ahahaha...wishful thinking..wishful thinking. But it'll be such a wonderful trip then..no disturbance, just relax and not having to think about work, sleep through the day and wake up to a wonderful meal via room service, swimming through the night looking up towards the sky full of stars, and exploring the island as though we own it (Ping's evil twin adds..what about hot and sexy love making through the night by the beach??? C'mon, it's your honeymoon! --- oh no no..don't even go there).

Alright alright..time to get back to reality and go home to my bed that will tempt me off to sleep in seconds. Sleepy....

new mouse

Remember the feeling when you get a new toy as a little kid? That's exactly how I feel right now. I bought my laptop a mouse! I have been using the touchpad ever since I got the laptop and all of a sudden I feel the need to buy a mouse. From one point of view, it's kinda waste of money since I have managed without it for almost 2 years now. But the temptation to keep looking for one until I find doesn't seem to hear my reasons. So I got it! Ordered online through CompUSA and went there to collect it a couple of hours ago. It's not a 'super-canggih' mouse. Just a simple Microsoft Optical mouse.

When I was looking online, I did not think about the connection port at all. Then as I was about to connect it, I realize that my laptop does not have the PS/2 port. Oh-oh! After careful examination, I found out that it is an adapter that can be removed to reveal a USB connecter. Phew! So now I have a mouse! The other motivation for getting the mouse is to be able to play WarCraft III with K. She have been asking me to play a couple of times now but I didn't have it on my laptop. Now maybe I will. Am actually thinking of installing Diablo...but I should finish analyzing my data before the weekend is over right? Hmmm...but Diablo is calling to me...ahaha.

It's gonna take some time to get use to using the mouse because I still have the tendency to use the touchpad. Oh yeah...I can actually use the middle button to open a new tab on Mozilla now!! Woohooo!! :P

Elizabethtown

Got home early last night as I was feeling really crappy. Stuff doesn't seem to be working and my brain refuse to cooperate with me. Went shopping for groceries and came home, stretched out on the couch with a box of baked chicken from Meijer and settled in front of the tv watching Elizabethtown.

One thing from the movie caught my attention - one that makes me think about myself and it actually turned out to be motivating.

"I've been the substitute person my whole life"

That is a line by Claire (Kirsten Dunst) while she was out walking with Drew (Orlando Bloom). They were total strangers - she the air-stewardess in the plane he took to Elizabethtown from Oregon. But when he checked into a hotel that night he arrived, he called his sis, ex-gal and none of them were available so he called her. Isn't that such a down time for anyone? When you want to talk to someone, no one seems to be available and you had to end up calling a stranger. I'm glad I always had mum to call whenever I can't find anyone else. Sometimes I wonder to myself, do I really have that few friends to call when I need to talk or just chat? Honestly, yeah..there's only a few that I feel comfortable spilling out my guts to. In fact, it became a whole lot fewer when BK left because he was the friend, the brother, the lover, the mentor...he was my everything. So why did I let one person took all these role? Fear? You never want to call a stranger...so you turn to the same person who is willing to take it all in. But I still have mum. :)

What in the world does that one tagline has got to do with me? When I heard it, I kinda refuse to believe there is such thing. I still believe that people do belong. That there is such thing as true love between a guy and a girl that has nothing to do with the true love between a dad and a daughter or a brother and a sister. Is that naive? BK thinks I'm still naive because of that. But what if you came so close to it? To know that there really is such thing as true love, there is such thing is feeling home when you embrace one person, there is such thing as the feeling of 'belonging', that you know you don't have to keep searching anymore because you're home.

Then as the movie goes on, I realize that what she said can be true for anyone. Why? We have to search before we find home. It's during this search that sometimes we feel that we're just a substitute person. We are close enough to the real thing but not enough to be the real thing. Think I'm crapping? I don't think so. And I think it's okay to be the substitute person. We just helped the other person to realized what is missing and why it wasn't good enough. I was just the substitute person until he found out what he wanted, what he was missing.

There can still be true love and the sense of belonging. But we just had to go through cycles of being a substitute or being with a substitute until we find our match. Thinking this way, I think that it's really okay to be a substitute person. Especially one who is not very easy to remember and yet is impossible to forget. I think that's what makes a person a really good substitute - because then you can be there for that person. You've made a mark right there and when that person can't find anyone else, you'll just be there because he remembers. But at other times, you're just occupying the unlit space in his mind, maybe even his heart.

It all made me feel better...because I know it's okay to be a substitute person.

He remembered February 22nd. We are no longer the closest to each other. We are like strangers. But he remembers...is it selfish to our future other halfs if I think that I had been a really good substitute? That being so faraway in distance and emotions..I am still remembered. Maybe..but at this point, I don't care.

helpless

It's been a long time since I have felt this helpless. I just had to get this out of my system. There's too much feelings here. I am overwhelmed.

As usual, while walking around the lab making sure all my students understand what they are suppose to do, I also try to make sure everything that they need are in order. I was putting all the bins that they need to incubate their plates in together and B came up to me and said 'We have a girl who is passing out here'. My first reaction - Oh no! So I walked out of the lab with him and saw her lying on the floor with her feet up leaning on the wall. What am I suppose to do??? We were never briefed about emergency like this!! If you spill a whole bottle of methanol at least I still know what to do! So I stood there and talk to her, asking her if she needs something to eat. She kept saying she's dizzy and all so I had B get a drink for her. When he came back, she sat up to take a sip and after a couple of minutes, she started panicking and so did I! She said her feets and legs are very tingly and she could hardly move them. Again, what am I suppose to do???

Thankfully, K came in and said we should call 911. Why didn't I thought of that??? I've never called before but there's always a first time right? Even then, it was B who made the call. While I always think they are very efficient and fast, this time, it felt like they were taking ages to get there. Eventually they came and I left the scene to tend to my kids.

I felt bad for my kids because they had questions, they wanted their graded notebooks back, they want to get things done to get out there early and at the same time, I wanted to be there for that girl. But what good was I if I could not do anything? Then I feel guilty because I didn't call 911 earlier. Why didn't I think of that first? Could I have brought her to the emergency room myself? or is there something I should have done to make her feel better? I felt so bad. I wish there was something I could have done. That I wasn't so scared. That I had been more calm and rational. That I had been more professional about the situation instead of sitting there talking to her. But no, I just felt so helpless. Gosh...what kind of TA am I? But I have never experienced anything like that before. Now I'm worried about her.

Remember, when there's an emergency, call 911! especially when I have no idea what to do.