fooled!

It's not even 10am and I've already been fooled. April Fool's day hasn't been any more exciting than any other days since high school when we used to play jokes on our teachers and friends. Even then, I was more the victim than the one who pulls the prank, especially since my expression usually gives me out way before I even establish the prank. My 'blurness' also made me a very easy-to-fool victim, which seems to be very entertaining for the guys.

Before I start telling about how I was fooled, I have to say the Spartans have managed to get into the Final Four Championship this year..both our men and women teams!! This is probably the first time in history that both teams from the same uni will be playing in the same conference. The men's team will be playing against North Carolina this weekend at St. Louis while the women's team will be playing against Tennessee. I am not a die-hard fan of basketball but being in a uni that is really big on sports, I do tend to keep up with the scores. Since the last I read about the game, I was very sure that they will only be playing this weekend and I knew that I'm not gonna be missing out on this championship since it's the biggest ever with both our teams playing.

I got into the lab at 8am this morning and Heather told me that we've won the game.. I was like..really? But I just kept quiet because I did not see the news this morning yet and I didn't hear anything last night either..especially not last night since I was so dead tired I was just slacking in front of my pc watching "Before Sunset". Then Heather told Inna the same thing when Inna came in. Dr. Young came in at about the same time and we had this conversation...

Dr. Young: Oh yeah, didn't you guyz watch the game last night? We'll be in NCAA finals! There will be a victory celebration today at noon.
Inna: No!!! I couldn't have missed it at all..omg, no!
Heather: Yeah..I think I heard it on the news this morning. I was just telling Z about it and am wondering why there's no riot going on.
Dr. Young: Yup! We won..log on and check..we've beat them by 1 point.

Inna proceded to log on to the computer to check the updates. Dr. Young looked at me and I gave him a sceptical look but I was completely willing to believe what he just said since I did not hear any news of the day yet and the last I heard about the game was Wednesday.

So I went to check at the NCAA website myself..and boy! I was surely fooled. He was laughing his head off when he found me at the back computer looking at the NCAA front page saying we'll be playing this weekend.

Heather had no idea that he was trying to pull a prank on us either..she only thought she heard it on the radio but wasn't sure what game was she listening to..so she was fooled too. So much for trusting my boss to be the serious one.

brain dead

Last few days was spent reading and writing about Anaplasma phagocytophilum. The paper was due today and right after I handed in the paper, I felt like I handed in all my self-motivation along with it. I couldn't seem to put my mind to commit to anything serious for the day. I finished all the experiments that I need to do and wanted to start reading articles for the final paper that is due in one month's time but the motivation is just not there. Even my brain doesn't want to cooperate when I tried to conjure a method to determine the capability of my bug to adapt to ox bile salt. The only thing that I seemed appealing at this moment is lie down on my bed and not think of anything at all.

The Anaplasma paper is the 6th paper I've written for this semester and I felt like I've put in more effort each time, which is probably why I feel so mentally drained after finishing it early today. Although this class requires a lot of work, especially with all the papers that we have to write, I felt that it is starting to benefit me because my writing style improves in various aspects and I'm definitely getting more out of the papers I have to read to write. I can feel the critical thinking practice is getting sharpened and I am really glad I can get back onto this track.

All in all..the efforts are all worth-it and is paying off. But I still can't help feeling that I could read and write faster like the Americans. They can tell what a certain article shows by just skimming through the paper and they can write the papers within a 4 hour time slot. Unfortunately, I need to keep using my thesaurus when I'm writing, which is taking up too much time. But I'm definitely getting there...

sun!!

It's such a great day outside today! I am finally seeing the Sun..like directly in front of me and not clouded by the clouds, which are really pretty at times but I prefer the clear sky than the clouds after 6 months of dull grey and white atmosphere.

As usual, I woke up at 5.30am and just after I finished my bath, I opened my curtains and I was so glad to be greeted by the Sun. It feels like it's been forever since I last saw it. I can't believe how much I miss the bright sunny days. Not only is the Sun up high today but the temperature is starting to warm up too. It is just nice for a day without thick bulky winter jacket but a cool blazer instead.

The sad thing is that I have to be in the lab all day = stuck in the dungeon. But at least I have class today, which means I still do get to be outside for a while walking to class. I might even get to go back early right after the departmental seminar and still be out in the awesome weather.

As for now..I'm also feeling like a nerd. Everyone else are talking about playing golf and I'm sitting here reading an article for the antigenic variation paper that will be due on Thursday. I wish I can read and summarize a paper critically in a shorter time but considering that I wasn't brought up writing proper English all the time, summarizing is a huge task. So I think I'd rather stay nerdy and produce a good paper than join the fun and slack. I'm sure I'll find the time to slack later but I need to get this paper done first. But I still do wish that I am not so responsible all the time..but then again, when I'm not, I feel awful. Sheesh! I'm so hard to be pleased.

morning in K'zoo

I just had lunch with my old boss from Western's library and a few Thai friends at an Indian restaurant here in Kalamazoo. Came down here for the departmental seminar, which will be presented by an ex-student of my undergraduate professor. She just graduated from her PhD degree and was invited here to give a talk about her work. We will also be having a small lab reunion after the seminar. So since I am going to be here for the whole day and I don't feel like doing the usual catching up, (as I'm sure it will involve more 'pat' stories) I decided to give my boss a visit.

He brought us to an Indian restaurant that opened a few months after I left Kalamazoo and the food is superb! I always think about how much I misses home cook food and typical Hokkien-style dishes but after lunch, I'm now missing Indian food! We had naan and kurma chicken, tandoori chicken, smashed spinach and chick peas. They were all really good but I can't help thinking that the food back in M'sia is so much better - roti canai..especially roti planta, nasi briyani, nasi kandar (which I think is more of a Malay food than Indian but in Penang, most of the operators of nasi kandar are usually Indian..i think), chapati, and the list goes on. Despite all these thoughts, the Indian food we had today is really good considering I haven't had any for such a long time. At least it's something different from burger and fries. Somehow, burger and fries are not as easily missed as Asian food.

Got here early this morning and had a chance to roam around a little before I went over to meet my ex-boss. I am amazed that now the Western's library - Waldo Library - allow beverages and food because they were really sensitive over it when I was working here 2 years ago. Unfortunately, their idea of 'allow' is to provide a space that is surrounded for you to eat and drink. Imagine a children's play area, where they have those metal poles hooked together with satin wrapped wire surrounding the area - this place is kinda like that but bigger, with no slides and swings but tables and chairs. I still prefer MSU's library where we have a small cafe within the library that not only sell dry food but sandwiches and lunch boxes. It feels that they trust us to eat and study at the same time or that we don't spill our food all over their books.

Overall, I am still impressed at the improvement that Western made to its library. oh yeah..they have all new computers too..no wonder the student's tuition fee goes up sky high everytime.

typical Chinese boss

In my last post, I talked about how easy-going it is to work with the US government. Jase Lee commented that as long as one don't work in a Chinese owned business, he/she will be fine. This brought back memories about my 8 months experience working in a Chinese restaurant in Kalamazoo, where I did my undergraduate studies.

This restaurant is owned by a family from FuZhou, a province somewhere in Southern China, which apparently, is where the root of my family originated from. In fact, it is only three generations back but the language that they speak is almost foreign to me. The big boss is a skinny guy who is in his mid-twenties but is very experienced and speaks English quite fluently although with limited vocabularies. He came to Kalamazoo and bought over Campus Kitchen, a restaurant serving American-Chinese food and limited M'sian food suited for the American taste. As the old owner left to open another restaurant in East Lansing, he brought along most of his staff and the new owner, J, needed people to help out with the restaurant. A friend recommended me to work there and since I was in need of financial support for the last semester of my undergraduate studies, I decided to go for it and I got the job. Initially, it was really hard to communicate with them as they were speaking almost entirely Mandarin and my Mandarin is definitely not the standard of those who originated from China. Thankfully, I was a fast learner and after a few weeks, I picked up all the necessary communication skills I needed to communicate efficiently with them.

The first two months was just blindly following instructions about how to serve customers, taking phone orders and packing food for take-out orders. Then my fellow colleagues and I became close friends with J. He was not only a very caring boss but also a very nice guy. It was very comfortable working around him because he did not treat us like we were his workers. He even told us that we're all equal and we're his friends in Kalamazoo. In fact, he and my ex-bf used to hang out and play pool. His then-gf, now-wife was a total opposite from him. She has this emotional imbalance that range from really nice and friendly to grumpy and everything-pisses-her-off mood. Fortunately, I was her closest friend there. She would tell me about everything that goes on with her and her opinions even though some felt sort-of insulting but we were good friends. It was the guys who had problems with her because whenever they are found standing and talking or joking during non-peak hours, she would go around the kitchen and hunt things for them to do. I was always on the go and working on something even if it's not really important but that was because I was always teased by the guys whenever I join their conversations and I can't stand boredom just standing by the counter looking out the window.

So while all these sounds like a cheerful kind of working environment for me, it was hard work. These Chinese bosses don't need to rest or take a break and they are very money-minded. The restaurant hours are 11am to 12mn on Sundays to Tuesdays and 11am to 4am on Wednesdays to Saturdays. While I was finishing up my last semester, I worked from 5pm-10pm on Fridays and 11am-10pm on Saturdays. This was all during the get-to-know them period and I was still working full-time on my research and having two classes, so I wasn't too involved in the restaurant. After graduation, I took up extra shifts, which became 11am-5pm on Mondays to Saturdays and 5pm-10pm three nights a week. It was tiring at first but I adapted. I still had to go to lab to do the touch-ups to finalize my research. Since the shifts are set, it was fine. The thing that bothered me and my friends were replacement for shifts. Most of us at that time had just graduated or will be graduating and we had the tendency to want to travel but it was impossible because all of us had shifts that took up all our free time. My only free day was Sunday and we could not go very far on one day, especially if we have to work the next day. So we propose to the boss to get one or two extra employees but J's wife calculated all the amount and said that it will be too costly. At the end of every month, we calculate our hours along with J's wife to get our pay in cash. As we calculate, she would complain about how much we worked and earn - 'wah, you work a lot ar' - except for me, which she tend to be bias sometimes. But imagine if you had to listen to this while when you suggested for them to get extra employees, they shove the idea away. My friends were pissed off. Later, there were times when I was called in to work until 4am for some of them. Since I accepted the first few times and said it was okay, the first person J calls whenever someone had to cancel their shift is me. As usual, I go in and work as normal even though I was dead tired, my feet was killing me and my back feels like it has never felt the bed for a thousand years. Towards the end of my experience there, which was the last 3-4 months, I was working almost 200 hours a month. I was dead tired everyday. I learned my lesson...either learn to say no or don't even think about working in a Chinese restaurant despite the free food and good tips.

Till today, J hires only enough people to cover the shifts and J's wife is still emotionally imbalance every once in a while. Oh yeah..they wanted to hire me full time for 2kUSD when I told them that I am quitting and going back to school for my PhD. J's wife told me not to leave and work for them. She even calculated the amount of money I would earn in two years, which was a lot more than I can earn in grad school but it did not tempt me one bit after the experience I had. I'd rather enjoy life and earn enough to live comfortable than earn lots more than I need while living in 'fatigue-ness' all the time.

There are all kinds of stories that I can tell about what happened in the restaurant that had frustrated all of us working there but work gotta come first or I'll be stuck here in the quiet dungeon later than midnight tonight. Maybe I'll reveal them someday when I have the motivation to write about them..kekeke.

'easy' job?

Last week's experiments and papers had me drained and the fact that I have no big experiments schedule for this week is making me restless. Experiments were initially planned but unfortunately our lab tech had came down with some virus and stuff I need was not ordered. That's the problem with having bureaucracy - having to wait for the person with the designated job to get the job done. If the stuff is still not ordered by later today I think I should just go ahead and get it myself. Sometimes all these kuai los can be too relaxing with their task and coming from M'sia where we only have limited sick leave, the amount of days they work here can be a favorable factor. Unfortunately, when one become too responsible on their job, the expectations increase and that's how we end up having to work round-the-clock to continuously provide the data that we've once provided in record time. Even then, I still prefer the working ethics in the States than in M'sia. When they're at work, they get stuff done and not talk about the latest 'feng shui' discovery that was made by Lillian Too. Despite the bureaucracy, the flow is always there and nothing is left stagnant. The most impressive work ethics I have seen is when applying for the Michigan ID. It takes less than 15 minutes to get the card in your hands and never have to go back to the Secretary of State again. Applying for IC in M'sia takes almost half a day and that is only if you wakes up early and get to the office by 7am. Then three months later, we have to wait for another 1-2 hours just to collect the IC. I wonder if their computer system is obsolete or they just love to 'dilly-dally'. I am pretty sure that the job they do here and in M'sia is not very much different but here they have a very positive attitude and keeps the flow going unlike back in M'sia, all the government staff you meet have a long 'papaya-face' all the time. If only someone could just show them the Fish! Philosophy, maybe it'll improve their work ethics..

While I'm on the topic of 'easy' jobs in the MidWest, can you imagine owning a golf course here in Michigan? You can only open the golf course for 4-5 months, at most 6 months a year. Do you think they make enough money within that 6 months to cover the cost for one year? I have to pass the golf course everyday to get to work and looking at the frozen lake and snow-covered ground of the golf course had me wondering how they make it through yearly with such long winter here. Then I realized that golf course is not the only place but they have zoos and small outdoor theme parks which are closed during the winters too. Are the owners retired but so rich that they have no where else to spend their money so they just open up places like these to provide some entertainment during the summer? I know that if I intend to open any businesses like this, Michigan is definitely not the place or at least not Lansing and anywhere north of it. I wonder if it's an ongoing problem or have the people here 'evolve' to adapt in ways that I have yet to observe. I wonder what all the employees of these places do during the winter..it is possible that they are just students since students can take summer off to work or for vacation but what about the non-student workers? Just 'lepak' for the next 6 months and work for 6 months? Hmmm...

I miss the sun...but I don't like the heat in Penang..so where should I go next? hehe..

blink of the eye

Spring break came and went but I felt like I have yet to get a good break. Lab mates came back and talk about their vacation over at California or just staying at home doing nothing and what have I to say? I worked all week in the lab. Sounds like I have no social or entertainment life at all. That is partly true since my definition of entertainment is staying at home and chill. I did thought about taking a break but then that would be taking days of my 30 vacation days/year, which means I get to be back in Penang for a shorter time. Furthermore, if I decided to go to Thailand and hang out with my cousin then I would definitely want to keep as many vacation days as possible for home. But other than I-need-more-sleep complains, I think the Spring break was a very productive break. Unfortunately, didn't get the chance to finish up what I intended to do.

But I did managed to get some stuff done besides spending almost the entire week smelling bile cultures.
1. Finish reviewing all the lecture notes except the last two lectures before Spring break.
2. Updated my lab notebook.
3. Updated all my references.
4. Read two novels.
5. Got my TIP...now time to hunt for cars!!!
6. Did not upload my photos onto Yahoo! photos..so troublesome 'lah'. My laptop doesn't have the program to read the pics from the camera and my desktop has no internet connection..so have to transfer via my external hd, which I was too lazy to do and since my parents had yet to start asking me for it, I shall wait until somebody says something.
7. Finished the bile assay and apparently, my little bugs actually grow better with bile. Now have to repeat experiment..urgh! Have to smell that yucky stuff again.
8. Did lots of research for mini-proposal and managed to get a really good synopsis.
9. Did not even go near the pool table since the U-Cue at MSU Union is closed during the Spring break and that's the only place where I can play without risking myself to lung cancer.

So that was what my Spring break was all about. Oh yeah..and I found a Japanese restaurant that actually serve good Japanese food (instead of breaded chicken and rice) but they are a little too pricy for a casual dinner. It is also a very classy restaurant so it shall stay as a 'once in a blue moon' dining place.

Overall, it didn't feel like a break but I was glad for not having to go to class..they just takes up too much time.

Numa dance

Check out this Numa dance. It is originally a Romanian song but did not make it through to United States. But somehow, Gary stumbled upon the song and decided to make some fun videos for his friends through his webcam. Like everyone else, any of his friend who got the e-mail forwarded the video to their other friends and as it keep going, the video eventually became a popular web-video. Websites that host the video has gotten really high hits so far and that's all people have been able to talk about these days - Have you seen the Numa dance? - Man, it is so hilarious you just gotta watch it - Can you believe he actually did that? - I'll forward the mail to you, it must not be missed - etc. After listening it for so many times, I begin to think that it's actually one that I don't mind dancing to.

Haha..doesn't this reminds you of William Hung from American Idol? Just a little better I think.

when is it gonna end??

It's freaking hot in Penang, it's spring in Japan, it's cool in Australia...it's freezing cold in Michigan!! March is here and yet the snow are still piled up at every corner of the road. Not only that but weather forecasters predict that there'll be more snow by the end of this week. We're having a week break from school and it's called the Spring Break but the weather does not act like it at all. Don't get me wrong, I love the snow but the low temperature is just too much to bare. It's the kind of chill that goes straight into your bone and makes your fingers get so cold that you can't even touch anything. I'm ready for any sign of temperature boost anytime. The sun is out today and it would be such a great day to stroll along Grand River Ave. and lick on an ice-cream with my shorts and tee on my flip-flops. But why am I still in here in the lab eating chicken rice with kurma curry? The view is actually a camouflage of the freeze-my-butt-off weather. So there'll be no lunch outing until another month or so.

Spring break is a one week holiday during the Spring semester, usually in March. There is no religious celebration but merely a break for undergraduates to relax and refresh so that they can come back to school a week later feeling psyched again. So what does most students do? They flood the beach in Florida or California. They have one of the best beaches there (definitely better than Batu Feringghi or Muka Head) and all kinds of activities to get involved in. Some students also take the opportunity to gain some working experience by working as lifeguards, waiter/waitress, bartendar and other high demand jobs due to the large crowd during Spring break. Unfortunately, while undergrads are having fun, it is time for graduate students to catch up with research work that was neglected due to class thought by professors who think that their students only take their class and nothing else.

As for me, the Spring break week is loaded with research plans and managed to get through most of my list in time. Plans for the week..

1. Finish critically reviewing my notes for the one class I'm taking this semester.
2. Update my lab notebook on the Mac.
3. Update my references that are piling up on Endnote.
4. Read at least two novel.
5. Take the written exam to get the Temporary Instruction Permit (TIP) to apply for a driver's license.
6. Upload photos of my new apartment onto Yahoo! Photos.
7. Start bile assay experiments.
8. Start research for mini-proposal.
9. Play pool!!!!

It's been a great week so far...let's hope I'll accomplish at least 75% of the list above.

all about the little ones

It has been such a busy week and I have yet to find the time to 'do nothing'. Last weekend was suppose to be lecture catching up weekend. Then the probiotics experiment came up and I had to grow up my tiny microbe (Helicobacter hepaticus) to be gavaged into the mice. That took up most of my Saturday. Wait, actually that only took up about 2 hours or so but I had to print some articles for the paper that is due on Thursday (again..and there'll be more to come). It was really beautiful that all the papers I found had used fluorescence microscopy to analyze the microbes but that also mean that I won't be able to understand the figures unless they are in color. Unfortunately, the one and only color printer that we have here in the department is as slow as a turtle..maybe even slower. It took me another 2 hours just to print out 18 articles. Can you imagine that??? 18 articles, with an average of 3 colored pages per article = 54 pages in 2 hours!!!! Either the printer is obsolete or that's the way color printers are. Time for them to get a laser color printer. kekeke..

Sunday was spent in the lab growing up more H. hepaticus for the Bile assay and boy, do these bile stinks!! It was collected from cows bile duct when they die and was grind and dried. I wonder who has to do the dirty job, glad it's not me! Got home in the afternoon but had to flatten all the boxes that we used when we moved in (about a month ago and yeah, the boxes were left untouched ever since the unpacking). Brought them all to Lake Lansing recycling center and on the way there, we passed Krispy Kreme doughnuts. It is one of the best doughnuts here in Michigan (besides freaking expensive Dunkin Donuts) and we could not resist it. Furthermore, the shop also has their doughnut making machines open for public viewing. Got stucked there for about 30 minutes, went to recycle the boxes and we ended up at Meijer. It was suppose to be a quick shop for fruits and vege that we've been depleted off the past few days being so busy. Then I wanted to go get a watch and unfortunately, after looking for what feels like forever, none of them has the size for my wrist. They don't do any adjustment either. Since I don't intend to get a watch that can go all the way up to my arm, we finally left Meijer about an hour or so later.

That was the most interesting event that I encountered since last week. As the week goes by...stay tune.

naked

I feel so naked! Have you had one of those times when you feel naked because something is missing? The feeling when you forgot or lost something that you've had on you all the time? Today it is my wrist watch. I kept touching my left wrist to feel for my watch but it's not there. The strap of my wrist watch broke and I could not find the buckle anywhere to put it back so I left home in the morning with the watch in my pocket. However, my right hand couldn't help feeling for it on my left hand, even when I do realize that my wrist watch is broken. It wasn't the weight of the watch that made me feel exposed. It is more like the feeling that something is not there. I have been wearing this watch since PMR, which was when my grandma bought it for me and I have it on almost all my waking hours, except when I take my bath. I also have the habit of adjusting it everytime I am nervous or bored. Maybe I will start figuring out a new habit without it....

It is a cheap watch but it has been with me through every path of my life journey. Now it is just sitting my pocket while my hand still misses the feel of it and I feel naked without it.

bad karma

*phew* What a hectic week! Finished the ribosome paper on Tuesday and handed in to Dr. Schmidt but have yet to heard back from him. I hope he's too busy to look through it and not because I need to work on it more. Finished the toxin paper on Thursday at 8.00am in the morning. Boy, am I proud! That allowed me to get some work done in the lab before class.

Unfortunately, Thursday afternoon wasn't a good at all. I had to practice how to do oral gavage administration on mice. It wasn't the mice that freaked me out because they are as cute as hamsters and I've had hamsters before. It was knowing how much I might hurt them that stressed me out. I don't get stress out most of the time, not even when I was writing my senior thesis last year or even when I had to take SPM in Form 5. This time, I felt like I just need to get out of the room.

There was two mice who were bound to die soon. They were not infected so Dr. Young told me to practice o.g. on them. He held the mice a few times and I just had to inject the saline water into their stomach through their mouth. That was fine - the mouse did not squirm, the injection went smoothly and it was easy to find the way into their stomach. Then it was my turn to hold the mice. Catching them by the tail was easy. Holding them at the tail and make sure they stay down was easy. Then I had to press them down so that they don't turn around when I tried to pinch their neck (kinda like how a mom cat would bite its kittens by the neck). I got to that part. It was when I tried to pinch their neck that they start to turn their head - a tiny movement from them made me pull back. I can't help it, it's a natural reflex! Dr. Young had done it like a hundred times or so since his last sample size was 60. I tried a couple of times and the mice started to get stressed up since I was pinning it down on the cage but was unable to pinch it up. I placed it back into its cage for a while and when I tried again, I just couldn't do it.

So H, who was helping me told me to practice with a dead mice. I was like oh no! I really don't want to get the mice killed. She told me it will be okay - as though the mice is just a toy!!! But since I could not do it on a life mice, I had no choice. We carbon dioxide fixated the little fellow and I tried on it (gosh! I don't even know its sex!). It worked just fine - but that was because this lifeless tiny fellow is not moving at all. But I got the feel of how much skin I should grab and where is the right place to grab. Then we moved on to the next mice. Sadly, seeing that its friend was just been treated cruelly, this little mice refuse to cooperate and became really jumpy. It was hard to catch it and it was even tougher to get it pinned down. It curled up tightly into a ball and made it really hard to press down on it. Conscious of how it would feel if someone were to press down on my backbone while I'm all curled up, I didn't dare to press too hard either. That made the mice jumps up everytime I tried to grab its neck.

We ended up killing it with me still not very good at catching them and holding them tight. Arghghgg!! That was an act of very bad karma. H told me that in order to work with animals, we have to learn to detach ourselves from them. No names, no coaxing, no daily talks and stuff like that. But I can't help it!!! I am not a big fan of mice either but knowing that it is gonna hurt that poor little thing just kills me. I have not seen that two mice at all until I had to do the o. g. on it and yet I already felt bad for them. Am I capable of continuing on this project? It is not a one time thing - it is a whole phd thesis by itself! But if I don't work on this project, my other choice is the ecology project - how to find a job in M'sia with an ecology experience? M'sians doesn't care about stuff like that!

May the two little mice be reborn in a better treated environment.

V day

What is so special about Valentine's day? If a couple is in love, they should be celebrating their affection for each other all throughout their lifetime together and not focus on this single day every year. Girls and getting flowers and chocolates all over campus - you can hear a shriek of excitement or laughters of surprise from everyone who gets something from their significant other or from a yet to be sealed relationship partner. Of course, there are also those who end up going home crying their hearts out because their significant other seems to be ignorant of the very day or has no interest in spending on such fancy gifts or simply because they don't have a significant other. I was once in that same position..both the happy and the sad ones. Today, I am just amused at the happiness I see in some and wish that the sadness I see in others would go away. I have realized that V day does not mean anything if the love is celebrated that particular day but not at all for the rest of the year.

While the celebration is going on around campus, I'm stuck here at the basement of Pharmacology and Toxicology building. That's the only disadvantage of the Young lab - no windows!!! I won't be able to see the sun as much as I wish anymore. I come in at 7am in the morning when the sun is not up yet and I leave at 6pm when the sun has already set. Gosh..this is not life!! Hmm..maybe I can just download a picture of a sunny day and place it on my desktop. Yeah..that would definitely be a good idea.

Time to get back to work = more about toxins and immunology. Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Sigh, here comes the dilemma again.

wide awake

Its 6am in the morning and I had yet to catch a wink. The sleeping is comfy, the room is warm and toasty, eyes is tired, and body deserve the rest from standing and walking. So why is my brain still not willing to stop crunching? - killed the first mice today. A mice that has JUST been weaned (definitely less than a week). It was by carbon dioxide euthanasia (thank God it is not by cervical dislocation or I would still be stunned now). It took less than 5 minutes for them to finish gasping and die. But being the one who initiated the kill, it felt like it was 5 hours instead of 5 minutes. A thermoflask (those that we usually fill up with cold drinks when going for picnics) filled halfway with deionized water was connected to a tupperware. A few cubes of dry ice were then placed into the sealed flask, and the mice was immediately transferred from its cage into the tupperware. I then had to hold the lid tight (to make sure that the building up pressure cause by the carbon dioxide realeased does not opens up the lid and allow the mice to jump out - that would have been a disaster!!!) while the mice walk around a little bit, then it became unstable as you can see the head start to go round while it tries to walk (like a drunk person trying to walk in a straight line but fail to do so) and then it collapse onto the surface of the tupperware when it could no longer stand up. It would start to gasp, which was really obvious because it is so tiny then when it tries to breathe in, its whole rib cage would be sucked in and then released deeply. After what seems like million times of gasping, it would just stay still and when you shake the tupperware, you'll realize that it is dead, with its fur all frosted because of the carbon dioxide.

With that first experience, I have just broken the first precept of Panca Sila. I've sinned - it wasn't just killing for our safety (ie. killing white ants to prevent destruction of wood) because it was killing for fundamental science. It is not like I've never killed before - cockroaches, lizards, ants, flies - they were still a living being but I only kill them when they are harmful to us. In fact, when I find cockroaches at home and they are not anywhere near my food stuff, I usually remove them with a paper and bring it outside the house. This is killing an innocent life! I feel like I am a murderer now. Why did I still do it? Maybe I could have said something but what other ways are available for us to study the gut microbiota other than to euthanize them? Do I want to stay in this project? Definitely not! Do I have a choice? This project is definitely applicable in Malaysia since nobody in Malaysia would sponsor a research that studies the ribosome fall off rate in copiotrophs and oligotrophs (my second choice). Maybe I should just talk to Dr. Young again and focus on the antibiotic-associated diarrhea project. That would definitely be applicable and NO killing mice. The only challenge is the limited amount of samples that we would get as Lansing is not an entirely large area and not everyone gets diarrhea everyday. Where do I see myself in the future? The ribosome project would be a great project to work on if I decided to stay in US because nobody has looked at it before and the prelimary data that I've got is promising. But I don't want to stay in US forever. Maybe I should think big and bring such science to the Malaysian community and wake everyone up from the traditional view of science. But I don't want to be so up front. Let the science stream politicians deal with that. Gosh, now I am even more confused than before.

Still wide awake. I am so sorry.

where's the spirit?

Everyone back home is so hyped about CNY. I called back home (maternal grandma's house at Kampung Baru) just before lunch today and managed to wish everyone 'Keong Hee Huat Chai' while they were happily enjoying 'lean lor' (steamboat in Hokkien). Unfortunately, the only few person that I did not managed to talk to are my parents and paternal grandma. Dad is still in Kabul (I still can't believe he left during CNY!!!!), mum had apparently went home early because she had to wash her hair since we can't wash hair on 'che it' (first day of CNY) and of course my paternal grandma had to follow her along. After 'Keong' with everyone, I called back home - Batu Feringghi - but no one picked up the phone.

Even after talking to everyone, the spirit to celebrate CNY is still yet to be felt. The chinese from China does not celebrate it either since China is not big on CNY ever since the communist took over, although they are starting to catch up with it. Wanted to call Nok to wish her but was kinda disappointed after not getting to talk to mum so I didn't really want to wish her in a disappointed mood. Spent the entire day attending class, which turned out to be kinda fun today since I managed to be wise enough to participate in the discussion - benefit of killing myself in the articles.

Just managed to call mum a while ago, just before they were planning to leave for the usual visiting. Still yet to talk to my paternal grandma but will try to call her in a while and hopefully, this time she'll pick up the phone. Before we moved back to Penang, it was always Penang ahmah for maternal grandma since she stayed in Penang while paternal grandma was just ahmah since she stayed with us all the time in PJ. When we moved back to Penang, it became confusing since whenever we call ahmah, both ahmah answered. So we made it a point to call either Batu Feringghi ahmah or Ayer Itam ahmah but it got so long that we eventually lost it and went back to Penang ahmah and just ahmah. Gosh..since when a respective greet became so complicating?? But now that I don't talk to them both at the same time, I just call them both ahmah.

dad's away

Few days ago, I received an e-mail from dad saying that he's in Dubai. I thought my parents decided to go for a short vacation since they've been doing that since dad retired. But I called home, mum says that he's helping his friend to do some training. Then yesterday I got another e-mail from dad...he's on his way to Kabul, Afghanistan! So much for trusting my dad to stay put at home when he retired. sheesh!

crazy weekend

The weekend started out tiring...

I had asked Jake (a fellow course mate in MMG department) to help me out with moving since he has a truck and I don't have to rent a U-Haul truck or make multiple rounds using Nok's car that could not even fit my chair and desk that I bought. He was available on Saturday morning and I was still not completely packed yet. So on Friday night, I left work early (that was my last day of work at the Schmidt's lab...they had a lunch for me at Peanut Barrels, which was really fun!..wonder if there's gonna be more occasion like this in the Young's lab) to pack up as much as I could. I was so caught up in packing that the next time I look at my watch, it was already 1am and we scheduled to meet at 9am. There was still stuff to pack and I have yet to dismantle my desktop. But I was really beat out so I took my bath and went to bed.

Woke up at 7am, continue packing and just in time, when Jake appeared in front of my apt, I finished packing. We load all the stuff on the truck, which was just big enough because it fit to the brim of it. I called Stephanie (a lab mate from the Schmidt's lab, who is already staying at Trappers Cove) to meet me at my new place since she had agreed to help me out.

At the new place - Trappers Cove Apt. - it took us about 40 minutes to unload everything in the truck into my new apt, which is on the third floor. We finished the whole move in about 1.5 hours. We left all my stuff in the hall because I didn't want to take up too much of their time. Thankfully for such nice people, my move was uneventful and smooth. I went back to lab for a while to finish up my last experiment and to print some articles (yes..more to read for the next two week's lecture!!!!). Then I came back to Spartan Village. Slept all the way to 6pm...

Party time!! Irina (another fellow MMG course mate) had a party over at her place at Cherry Lane to celebrate her birthday. Met quite a few people, there was only about 14 of us. All of them are 'beer fans' and I really do not like the taste of beer at all..not even the smell of it. But what am I suppose to ask for...orange juice? I don't drink carbonated drinks either..not even a sip of it. So I took raspberry Smirnoff which a flavored Vodka drink. I finished the first bottle feeling a little warm but that was normal since most Asians, especially girls, don't have lots of alcohol dehydrogenase, which makes them look flush and warms up at the face. The second bottle came by and was gone. It was easy to be drinking while we're talking and I was listening to this Jordanian guy talk about the Islamic influence in their country, which was interesting since they are completely a different culture even though Jordan and M'sia are Islamic countries. Then the third bottle came and by the end of it, I was feeling the kick of the alcohol in my brain. So I left the party and Irina gave me the rest of the Smirnoff since she didn't really like it as she is more into the beers, which she had a whole lot! By the time I got home, my mind was clouded with all kinds of negative thoughts and 3 more bottle of Smirnoff went down my throat. That is the first time I've felt that bad because of alcohol...it's been a long time since I gulped down that much. Did I regret it? Well...I know that I called BK and can't really recall what I said to him but I'm pretty I had dumped some of my complains about the suckiness of my solitary living here I feel bad about it but I called to say I'm sorry this morning and I do regret saying things that would probably have hurt him. But regret doing what I did? There's no turning back times and I'm not perfect...I have my down times too...just nobody ever believes me because they rather believe that I'm the strong one, I'm the optimist one, I'm the take-it-all-on-me one. So no, I am not regretting it.

Woke up this morning with a headache and that's the bad part about drinking - hangover. Called BK to apologize and went back to sleep since the headache was getting the better part of me. Slept till 1.30pm when Nok called me. She brought me to our new apt and I built up my desk. Now am back at Spartan Village....back to reading articles...and it's all about toxins this week.

The weekend ends and I'm still tired.

Frozen! I was tempted to try to step on it but I don't want to risk falling into a highly polluted river, especially when there's not many people wandering around outside in this freaking cold weather. It was definitely frozen enough for ducks to walk on it and leave their footprints but I don't think it'll take my weight. kekeke.. 

Snow flakes. This is as clear as I can get considering my amateur skills in photography although I enjoys it greatly. Maybe it's just the incapability of my Canon S410..kekeke. This is not the snow falling but the snow flakes are stucked on the plastic wall of the bus stop. I have to adjust the whiteness according to a snow background, used the lowest shutter speed and taken from a distance with zoom..any nearer without the zoom, the snow shape blurs into streaks or circles. Frust! 

Nature's Sculpture. This picture was taken by the Red Cedar River that runs across campus. It is approximately 3 days after the snow stop falling. We got about 12-15 inches of snow for two days and the temperature dropped after the snow stops, causing ice to form and somehow, nature has found its way to create such lovely architecture. I had to tramp my way through all the thick snow, risking cold feet but it sure was worth it!

 

expectations.

The day started out great as I was feeling better this morning although I'm still trying to change my diet to suit my stomach's demand (gosh..these organs are really picky!). Ran gel electrophoresis of my restriction digestions and it worked! So that was my happy morning....

Had a class at 1pm. I really do enjoy the topic of this class but I'm starting to dislike (although I try not to dislike anything) the way the format the class - no exams but a paper due every 2 weeks. I don't mind the papers since it allows me to practice (side-tracking..anyone of you listening to hitz fm now - 7.04 am in M'sia - all the songs sucks! what happen to djs with good taste???) writing scientifically, which I've not written a really solid one for a long time. So where's the problem? The problem..or I should say challenge, is that the advisors in this class all think that we Ph. D. students have nothing better to do other than attending their class. They assign 7 papers to read that is suppose to prepare us for their lectures, which I admit that they do because I understand the papers better. Then they had to assign 2 other papers for the assignment and we're suppose to look for primary literature and not review papers. I know that it's important to read primary literature to get the facts right and not get confused with rationality given by bias scientists but not everyone in the class focuses on microbial pathogenesis. Reading primary literature does not help at all when I'm trying to write a paper that should include my ideas and opinions. I'm a microbial ecologist and how am I suppose to know what is 'gentamicin protection assay'??? Am I not looking hard enough...I don't think so..I looked for it in the text book, which is suppose to be the reference book for those who does not have a strong background in microbial pathogenesis and do I find it there? NO! I looked at google and what did I get? Primary literatures that describe it in the experimental procedure in a VERY undetailed manner. Arghgghgh!!! This is making me so mad!!! It also does not help that during the discussion sessions, we're asked questions, we're expected to answer and what do we get? A shrug from the advisors saying that it's yet to be discovered and they don't know about it. Why can't we just focus on current hypothesis and try to solve it instead of creating more hypothesis that none of us in the class would probably be involved in?

While I was trying to stay in focus despite all the stuff that I don't understand, we were assigned another 2 papers for Thursday. Crazy!! This confirms all the overexpectations that Ph. D. students here are getting...who was the one who decided for me to continue studying? Unfortunately...it's me.

..and while all these are happening here, parents are busy helping grandparents remove and clean all the stuff they need for the yearly prayers to our dead ones. Sigh..all the good food..especially ju hu char!!

first attempt at packing

Ever since Nok and me signed the lease for the apartment at Trappers Cove, I told myself that I should start packing, bits by bits so that when it comes time to move, I don't have to take a couple of days off just to pack. It should not be something that will affect my research or assignments. But I was so caught up in all the recent bloom of experiments that I would like to get done before I change lab that I delayed the packing until today.

Came back from lab around 4pm with the intention to read the Salmonella paper before I start packing. Unfortunately, just 2 pages before the end, I almost fell asleep. Since I could hardly concentrate anymore, I decided to pack some of the easy to pack stuff. Without realizing, within one hour, I packed 3 boxes and I have yet to start with the clothes and kitchen utensils, dry food and toiletries. These three boxes are just books! I can't believe how many books I've bought over these past 6 months. I think I'm going to send some back home, especially those that I've already read a couple of times.

Just a few weeks back, when I was talking to my mum on the phone, she told me that my dad's goal for the year is to get rid of stuff that he don't need anymore. Now what do you think my mum would say if I propose to send my books back? hehe..I don't even have my own room back home anymore I could at least have a small bookshelf right? Yeah..it kinda sucks that I don't have my own room to go back to when I go home but since I only get to go home for not more than 1 month a year, I guess it's fair that my brother has his own room (our house only has 3 rooms - parents, ahmah and my younger bro, whom we all call ahboy). Furthermore, whenever I go back, I don't always stay at home since it's so far away from town (about 20-25 minutes drive to Pulau Tikus, even further to Ayer Itam). I prefer to stay at my maternal grandma's house at Kampung Baru. It's not only nearer to town and all the shopping malls but near to all the good food too! Especially the 'keng che bi hun' at the corner of the street. That's the authentic one! Not like the 'chow mai fun' we get here - bi hun stir fry with broccoli, water chestnut and celery, along with lots of 'tau eu' and pepper..I think I can do better than that if only I spend more time cooking.

This is the picture on the desktop of my baby currently. It is taken on my way home, which is the apartment block on the right. This is approximately 4.30pm US Eastern time. That's the time the sun usually sets during winter here. It's a no wonder why there are so many depression cases here in this part of US. They just don't get to appreciate the cheerfulness of sunshine! 

This picture was taken before the heavy snowfall two days ago, behind the bus stop at Spartan Village (the area where I live). This particular spot is not a route where anyone would take to the laundry because it's behind a bus stop and no one would purposely walk out of the walkway. Furthermore, it is approximately 30 feet away from the laundry. *thoughts going wild* Hmmm.. 

This is not from Ohio. *Grins* I'm sure most of you can guess that this is my new baby..born on November 26, 2004. The desktop now has a picture East Lansing sunset and three more shortcuts. Otherwise, it is exactly the same as when it first came. I'm not one of those who like a cluttered desktop. It would be best if I can just have 3 shortcuts but 6 is the least I managed to maintain.  

The only duck found at the lake area. Lost? I love this view because it depicts the serenity of nature if it is left undisturbed by mankind. It's moments like this that makes me rather be an observer than a participant.  

This is still in the campus of Case Western. The building behind the partially frozen lake is the Art Museum. It was a freezing cold morning but we came across a couple (dancers I think) who were posing for a camera man in front of the Museum - the girl wearing a high heels and short skirt while the guy was wearing a long sleeved shirt and a slack. I wonder if they get paid an amount large enough to cover medical expenses if they fall sick due to hypothermia (which is possible since the temperature is below O Celcius).  

Finally managed to upload all the pictures I took in Cleveland, Ohio. There are lots more than just these 3 but I'm too lazy to upload all of them..these are just my favourite ones. This first one is the landmark of Case Western Reserve University, who has one of the best medical school in US. 

observations on the bus.

I usually bring a novel to read on the bus or have my cd player with me. Today, I didn't have either one because I had too many notes to bring and a novel is gonna make my knapsack heavier and I didn't feel like listening to any of the cds I have. Since the ride is so boring as I've passed the same route for the past 4 months and nothing interesting had happened, I decided to entertain myself by observing people's actions in the bus and what they do to keep themselves entertained.

1. An Asian girl (couldn't tell if she's from China, Korea or Taiwan but definitely not Japan, Malaysia or Singapore) took our an apple from her bag along with a small carving knife and start peeling the apple skin into an envelope, brush off any bits and pieces that fell onto her pants, kept the knife and apple skin in her bag and started chomping her apple. My reaction: does she have to eat that apple in the bus? or she could have at least eat it with the skin right? Furthermore, the skin is where most of the vitamins are.

2. Somewhere at the back of the bus, a bunch of African American girls were talking so loudly that their voice were practically all that you can hear in the bus.

3. As they get off, a bunch of white American girls (probably in their late teens) laughed so loudly about something that must be really easy to understand and ridiculous but I have no idea because they were hardly speaking to each other. They were just speaking out words that made everyone in their group start laughing.

4. An 'ah-cha' (generalized term for Indians from India) guy sitting in front of my has so much dandruff on his head that if he were to move his head, he would have drop a large amount of dead cells. Not forgetting that he exudates a heavy odor like most ah-cha do..I wonder if they realize it themselves.

There are lots more that I can describe but I think I should be getting back to reading the articles that I should have finished reading earlier this week. Procastination is bad but this week is just too loaded with stuff waiting for my attention. I have yet to read a good paper this week that can get my full attention and interest but hopefully somewhere hidden in this pile of papers, I can find one.

Gosh!!! Does anyone listen to MSN Radio? They have sucky songs tonight!! I've been skipping like 15 songs or so. It's all rap or really noisy songs. Where have all the nice songs gone too? Maybe I should have brought my cd player this morning. or should I download winamp into my laptop? But then I gotta learn how to transfer my songs to my laptop, which means I gotta find time to do that. *Frustrated* So much to be done and too little time. Would the working world be the same or would I have more time to 'lepak'? Hmmm...

exhausted.

I feel like it's been a really long week but it's only Wednesday. Technically, it's already Thursday and I'm still in lab - what a nerd! Why am I still in the lab? I actually went home after the Candlelight Vigil held here on campus for the tsunami victims back home, which was around 6pm. Cooked dinner (roast duck from Ohio and cucumbers), ate and did my laundry. Came back here to check on my E. coli culture but unfortunately, they overgrown. Did some microscopy stuff and decided to check my mail. Then I was debating if I should go back or stay here to get some stuff done online - I decided to stay for 2 reasons

1. If I go home, I'll end up sleeping after taking my bath = no work will be done.
2. Windows on my PC is unstable and my Dell laptop cannot detect the broadband connection at home, which should prompt me to call Dell technical support since I paid for it but I was too lazy to wait through all the 'let me pass you to the right person game' the technicians like to play.

Now that I'm done with everything, all I can think about is my comfortable bed. It's at times like this that I wish I have a boyfriend..keke. They can be really advantageous at moments like this. That's the other reason for my exhaustion this week. I can't seem to get him out of my mind at all. It started with the Swiss roll at Asian Mart in Ohio. Ever since then, I couldn't stop thinking about how different it would have been if he's here with me. It's been so long and the memories are still so fresh..how does one forget about their ex? I was telling mum about how I miss having a boyfriend - lots of people think it's due to desperation but I think that being in a relationship is a really wonderful feeling. A good relationship would be a balance between spending time with friends and the significant other. She told me not to think about it and I'll stumble into one when the time is right. But how can I stumble into another when I can't even forget the previous one? Sigh...gotta get these thoughts out of my system before the end of the week before I collapse with exhaustion.

great weekend

gosh..I'm so exhausted both physically and mentally. Signs of emotional exhaustion is coming to be visible too. But I'm still gonna blog about my weekend before I get home.

Got out of work early on Friday, which was great because I had a chance to go to Walmart and check out some furnitures - found out that they have cheap bookshelves and saw a desk that I quite like but it didn't look like it would fit my giant 19 inch monitor (it's times like this when I wish I have an LCD because all the desk that they sell these days seem to fit only LCDs). As always, I never leave a store without buying chocolates - I'm chocoholic - and Hershey's was on sale! I even got some Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I actually got the curly ones but it didn't taste as good as the traditional doughnuts, which of course is not even as good as Dunkin Donuts from home. I have yet to try Dunkin Donuts here though..maybe they're the same.

Went to Ohio on Saturday with Nok. We start out around 10am, she being an impatient driver, we arrived at Maumee, Ohio at around 1pm and stopped at Panera Bread for lunch. It was a really fun time because we were laughing all the time and it's comfortable because we had so much to talk and found that we're so much in common. Left Maumee and arrived Cleveland, Ohio at about 2.30pm. Ben's place is great! I love their apartment..it's bigger than the apartment mum and dad had in Beijing but of course, everything that's nice has to come with a price - USD 1k per month! and it's unfurnished! If I have more cash and earning more money, I would have stayed at places like that too since it's right at the heart of town and just minutes outside Case Western Reserve University. It was a great opportunity to be able to visit the uni since it's a great medical school and lots of great scientist had studied there. However, I wouldn't want to stay or go to school there - it's more of a city kind and I'm a 'country' girl. They have tons of malls there too and even a luxury mall for the upper class.

Ben brought us shopping and I fell in love with 2 elephants - it was mine in just minutes. It was really cheap too! I can't help it - the moment it got to my hand, the hug felt so good that I just couldn't let it go. Can you imagine such cute elephant go into mud-covered hands of 5 year old boys and into flour-covered hands of 5 year old girls? What about when they get mad at each other? The soft, large ears are gonna be torn apart! It's a nightmare! It'll be so much safer with me for sure.

For dinner, Nok wanted to cook some noodles because I said I like it a lot. So we went to Asian Mart to shop for some Thai food ingredients but there was a change in plans. We saw ducks!!! Our first reaction - laughed so hard till our tummy ache. They were grilled so well that their skin are shiny brown and they just look so delicious hanging there. The aroma was filling up our empty stomach that we just had to get it. So we got a whole duck, shopped for some junk that we misses so much - I got swiss roll (it's BK's favourite...I like it too but for some reason, that was the thought when I bought it), chocolate love letters and pisang goreng! I was holding the box of chopped duck, sitting in the back seat. My hand was itching to open it and grab a bite but it was impolite so I made myself sat there with wonderful thoughts of me eating the duck. It was the longest ride home ever! But the duck made it home with us untouched by my itching hands. Nok cooked the rice and I made some miso soup (obviously using some packet ingredients). The dinner was one of the best dinner I've ever had in months..haven't had a real sit-down dinner for a really long time. It was heaven on Earth!

Sunday was tiring but we still had a good time...

Went to Case Western's campus and roam around. They had a really good blend of the traditional architecture - Cathedral, Business Management building, Dance building - and modern architecture - museum, Accounts building, Law building. The accounts building is the one that amazes me most. It has a very unique shape and does not have any straight wall and I was surprised to see Malaysia flag in the building! I didn't expect that because I always thought that Case Western does not have lots of Malaysians but apparently they have enough to put the flag up there. After the campus tour, Ben brought us around the area and we drive through a cemetary. That was the prettiest cemetary that I've ever seen. Unfortunately my camera ran out of battery but Nok and Ben wasn't very keen on taking pictures there too so I didn't try. It is a Christian cemetary and the richer families put up huge and fancy tombs for the deceased. Some even have a tiny house. It wasn't even eerie like the chinese cemetaries we have back home - especially the one at Mt. Erskine.

We left The Triangle (the area Ben stays) at 3.30pm and head towards downtown Cleveland. Most of the cities in United States have a 'downtown' area where the government offices are located. The city hall is usually the most beautiful building (since it's government funded) and that's also the place you pay all the parking tickets and fines. However, the Americans tend to take their Sundays off too, which is unlike Malaysians (in fact, most Asians) would work harder on Sundays since it's the day where everyone brings their family out and go shopping. So we were just driving around the town looking at buildings and it looks like a dead town despite the really nice architecture of the buildings. It was breathtaking. We were just looking out and ooo and aaaahhs over all the buildings. Then Nok wants to get a cup of coffee so we decided to stop and get into Renaissance Hotel, which is a huge building. But guess what! When we went pass the door - it's a hotel cum shopping mall. It is unlike shopping malls in KL where you see lots of the shops on the outside and different shops on the inside. This looks completely like a hotel outside with a lot of African Americans (Blacks) loitering around it. But when you step inside, it's like a completely different place. After walking a few stores, it was just the same as any shopping mall - Gap, Footlocker, Taco Bell, McD, Abercrombie and all the American brands. So we got Nok some coffee and left. As we were walking out the door, a Black man stopped us and asked if we have change for bus. That freaked both of us out because that place is a really luxury area and there are people who stands outside the building asking for change. It was such an obvious gap between financial class between Blacks - the rich spending their money on clothes that they probably have ton of them already in the inside vs. the poor asking for change and loitering outside looking in. This is a segregation within the Black community as there was hardly any Whites there. We fumble with our pockets, said no and walked away as soon as we can. But after driving for a while, a thought came to me - we get even more eerie beggars in Malaysia, especially around Kota Raya area in KL - so why were we so freaked out? That's when it dawned on me: we were clouded by the ugly thoughts about the Black community - they are the failure of the society that creates crime, which is completely not true. They just can't help being that way. But then again, being in a foreign environment, I think what we did was best because one could just snatch our purse away if we were to take it out.

We laughed about our silliness in the car, drove home with tired eyes and body that craves for a soft comfortable bed but with wonderful memories of Cleveland, Ohio. We came back to my place, ate duck - yes, again but it was just too good to be missed! Those of you back home could just go out to any of those 'kae pui' stall and ask for 'siow ak pui' but what we get here? Only those ducks in Red Cedar River (the river that cuts Michigan State into North and South campus).

long but productive.

It's only a few days into the new year but I've felt like it's been so long already. Tired. Lack of sleep. Unbalanced diet. Lack of fitness. Uncomposed. Yet feeling good. Managed to get a few questions answered and able to draw up new hypothesis, which means the road is not ending yet and more fun is yet to come! Maybe I actually get to rest a little tomorrow. Time to go home but thought that I need a good shout out so I decided to shout it out here.

Hmm..let's see what happens since NY's day. Oh yeah..choops actually did made it here. She called on NY's day when I was out mattress shopping with Nok. I can't believe it was so hard to decide on what mattress to buy. No wonder dad took such a long time to get the mattress for ahmah. But for me, the major dilemma was how much should I spend on the mattress? I know that I'll be spending 1/4 of my day on it every single day and sometimes even more and it should be a comfortable one but USD 200 is a little too expensive right? But then I asked Voon for his suggestion and he had a good point...USD200 for 5 years...it's like USD40 a year...and I spend more on other unnecessary stuff a year than USD40..so I decided to just get one but have yet to. I saw airbed and I kinda like the idea of that but need to check it out to see if it's comfortable first.

Got to spend time with choops, updating each other with what's happening and she sure is a happier and more relax girl now. I'm happy for her and am I glad that I'm not losing another friend because when we were looking back at all the people we used to know, it's kinda sad how many we lost contact not because there were no means of communication but because we changed so much from each other that there's nothing common between us anymore. Maybe I should have made more effort in making the connection work..but then again, it won't work if it's just from one side right? But for all it's worth, I'm glad I still have some of you whenever I need you and I'll do my best to be a great friend.

Gosh...I'm so tired I could hardly move at all. My back is aching badly and I look so inorganized although I'm psych about my research. I wish the holidays are a little longer so that I can get more stuff done but I'm still glad that I managed to get quite a bit done this holiday. When class starts, there'll be less of me in the lab already..but hopefully I can squeeze in as much time as possible as this project is so much more interesting. Will be taking 2 classes but still in a dilemma about one of the class. The one that I really want to take is Advance Microbial Pathogenesis but I'm not too sure about Eukaryotic Genetics. I'm not very keen in sitting in lectures about eukaryotes although I'm one myself but I think it'll be very informative just as a general knowledge. Oh boy...there's just too many dilemmas that need my attention these days.

At this moment....sleep comes first.

Happy New Year!

This year's NY's even celebration is the quietest and most boring one I've ever had...no parents, no friends, no fun...but it is one of the most relaxing night I've had for the past few weeks. Everyone left work at about 2pm. I had a discussion session with Dr. Schmidt at 2pm, which went well and I feel refresh that I now know where to heed next on the Fluorometric Assays. Finished at about 3pm, cleaned up all my stuff, wrote a letter to Mrs. Ho and left the office at about 5pm.

There were plans earlier this week..Chicago..hanging out with Irina..catching up with James..choops probably coming over..but Chicago was too expensive, Irina didn't feel like celebrating, couldn't get hold of James (you must have been not picking up my calls again! juz kidding!) and no news from choops. Then Nok called about going shopping for mattress for our new apartment and since I was up for spontaneity, I agreed and we went to Walmart. But guess what! They close at 6pm so we just walked one round, sort of figured out what we would like and left. Went to Goodrich, wanted to rent DVD but it's close! There goes a night of cuddling in front of a probably a great movie. So went home and Nok went to Donna's place. It wasn't an adventurous day or anything out of the ordinary but it was great to spend time with her. Laughters and jokes were shared, which I really do need at that time.

Actually, I am not even sad about spending the holidays alone. I've actually came peace to myself..no more depressing moments, no more mourning over the lost of a relationship and no more worrying about unneccessary stuff. Called BK in the morning to wish him Happy New Year after calling all my old high-school friends. We had a great talk and it feels good to be able to joke with him and laugh. The best was to hear him laugh again. It seems like everytime I called him the past few months, he was either occupied with some activity with friends or busy eating or had some stuff to do. But today, he's just there..available..being himself. It feels great to end the year knowing that there's peace between us and we'll be good friends in this new year.

New Year resolutions? When I was younger, NY resolutions were just something that I'm so psyche about early of the year but left behind as the year goes by. But this year, my aim is to make a NY resolution work. I think it's time I learn to keep track of what I am spending. This realization came to me when I was filing all my bank statements, payslips and all those financial documents. Then I realized that I had not saved as much money as I had intended to when I first started working. Well, I did spend a lot of money on the laptop, camera and household stuff. So this year, I decided to follow every single penny that I have and make sure that they all go to great use.

What's for the NY's day itself? In my mind right now..mattress shopping with Nok..finish the book I'm reading..watch some DVDs I have..online games!

World's smallest baby 'doing well'

World's smallest baby 'doing well'


Just as the Earthquake cum Tsunami washed out thousands of innocent life, advancement in science had managed to save this tiny baby. Bless that she will survive to see the world as a better place in the future.

blessed

First huge natural disaster in Malaysia - Earthquake followed by 6 ft high tidal waves - at least ever since I was born.

Woke up this morning, switched on my computer and checked my hotmail account. Saw a post from Yahoo!Penang4U. My first reaction to the e-mail was is that true or was the person who post it trying to tell that you can get such crap on the internet. So I went to check out The Star and ohmygosh!!! it is true!!! and it happens right at home in Penang! I didn't even finish reading the entire article and follow ups, I ran out of my house with my cell phone and called home with that little amount of battery left from not charging it before I went to sleep last night. Then I couldn't get the line at home and I was sooooo frustrated so I called my brother's cell phone. I was praying so hard that they would pick up the phone and tell me everything is alright. When I got my brother and he said they're fine, I was sooooooo glad. Then he puts my mum on the line and she told me the whole story of what happened to them, my eyes were watery with tears of happiness and I thank the Buddha so much for sparing my parents. They must have done really great deeds in their past to deserve such wonderful Karma effects.

They were on a rare trip to Mukahead with my dad's best friend's family. We've never gone back to Mukahead after the last trip we made since I was 4 with the entire extended family (that's when Justin got bitten by a jelly fish!). Even then, they've never really had the hype to go back there again because it was so far and the place is getting run down. But now that they finally made the decision to go back there for just half a day, such disaster happened. They were striked by the tidal wave but there were trees for them to hold on to and not get washed out. My dad wasn't holding on to any tree and was probably stunt by what happened. Thankfully, when the wave went down, he was washed to another tree and my mum joined him there later. When the wave subside, they hiked their way back instead of taking the boat back, which I'm sure is a long journey and very tiring but I'm very glad they did that. This is just a tiny bit of what they've experience, which can never be put in words because they almost lost their life there...I could never imagine life without them..ever. We've became so close these past months that they're all I can depend on whenever I need to talk to someone, whenever I'm down and even when I need to share my joys, which is still rare but today, it's a joyous day for me! I love them with all my heart and will always remember this day.

isolated.

Today is suppose to be a very cheerful day full of sweet smiles and laughters. I'm sure it is for lots of people but I just cannot feel the joy. All I can feel is how sad it is to be away from everyone I love and how left out and distant from each and everyone of them.

Woke up this morning feeling great. Had it all planned out that I'll spend the entire day working on my thesis and the rest of the day finishing the novel I've been reading. But halfway through my thesis, I decided to take a break and see what's on TV. Watched 'A Very Brady Christmas' - it's a really old movie about bringing the family together. Cried at the end. But continue watching the next movie - 'Santa Claus: The Movie'. Cried at the end again. After that second movie, all I could do was just sit there and cry. Yup. That was all I did for almost 30 minutes. I wish so badly that things are different, that I don't have to go through this all by myself but all I could do was to bring myself up from that couch, go to the bathroom, washed my face, looked into the mirror and tell myself that I'll get through this, that I'm a strong one and I'll be able to face this challenge.

Now that I'm much awake than dazed, I really wanna get out of this place for a few days. But I have no idea where to go. Looked at the airline tickets and it's soooooo freaking expensive at such last minute decision so it seems like I'm not going anywhere. I still can't believe I can miss home so much...but I really don't wanna drown in this misery. What am I suppose to do? Why am I still so unhappy even when I have everything I need? Because I'm isolated. I haven't spoke to anyone in days. I'm sick of chatting online with everyone who seems to be too busy to chat for more than 30 minutes because it keeps reminding me of how involved everyone are with their life and all I have to do is work, sleep and eat. Maybe this is a sign that I'm becoming a workaholic. Am I? I do fine comfort in working..but that's because I forget about everything when I work. What have I become?

Desperately need to call home. Hope someone is home.

Holiday spirit

It's the wrong time to have a holiday. Just don't feel the spirit at all. Have been coming to lab early in the morning and leaving only after it gets dark and the sun sets. On Monday, everyone was still around. Then Tom left on Tuesday..Uri and Steph left on Wed..and Dion left today. But no one seems to be coming on today. Well, if I have someone to spend the holidays with me, I wouldn't be in today either but I don't seem to know anyone at all.

This is probably the first time that I really feel alone. ALONE. It's not just lonely but ALONE. Shucks...now I sound like a loser. But I just had to admit that. Kwi thinks I should get a boyfriend. I just laughed it off 'coz that's almost impossible when I don't even know anyone in the first place. Think I'm anti-social? I don't think so coz I've been joining lots of diffrent kinds of activities but just don't seem to catch the attention of certain groups. At this moment, I can still remember the words Kevin once said to me when we were the only two person in class during that last month before PMR. He said that I'm a nice person to talk to and seek for advice but he just don't think that I'm the girlfriend type. He thinks I'm too nice. Too nice, huh? Maybe...

Listening to Holiday Pop channel in the lab now. It's only me here so it doesn't matter. Songs are great but no excitement for me...just make me miss home more. Sigh...when am I going to learn to accept things the way it is without feeling so miserable?

Even 'the-ex' is moving on. Sometimes I feel reluctant to do certain things because I'm afraid that everything I do is gonna be something that brings us even further apart. But then again, everything he does is already bringing us further apart. Distance sucks. I can talk to him like normal..but the moment I have sometime to myself, all kinds of thoughts start to tumble around my head and it hurts so much (not physically).

I need more strength to stay strong. Someone bring me back....

missing home.

The serenity of the holiday season is starting to catch up with me. The streets are dead quiet, especially in Spartan Village, that it almost feel eerie to be walking out there. The weather does not help much because it's soooooo freezing cold! It's almost -10 C out there today.

Left the lab early today, around 5pm. My mind just wasn't into working today. All I could think about are all the stuff that I could do back home with my parents and grandmas. There's just so many more things to do back home than here. It's either the bars or shopping - I don't drink beer and it's too cold to be out shopping. Even as I'm typing this, I can imagine myself back home having Beach St. RM 1 nasi lemak (the one at the food court opposite HSBC, I think..or some bank), with a cup of milo-peng kow kow. I can bet if I tell this to my parents, they're gonna add more to it, making me even more 'gian' but I guess I would just have to wait till next year.

For now..it's back to organizing all the articles I've read this semester. It's still amazing how much I can read in 4 months - and they're not novels but scientific publications. No wonder my friends call me nerd.

after finals effect

The laziness that comes with the after finals effect is still with me. Haven't done anything this entire weekend except getting some stuff set up in the lab, shopping and bumming at home.

Managed to talk to S yesterday. I've never seen him online but probably because I was up till about 4am this morning and it's 5pm there in PJ. Anyway, talked to him a little and found out that he's single again. I told him that I broke up and he said I made a stupid move. I was like..what???? Don't you wanna know the story first? Then he started telling about how great it is to be in love and to love someone. It seems like he's a very committed person and is willing to sacrifice a lot for his gal. I guess the working world had changed him..he used to put his friends first before his girl and he was the 'bo-chap' (don't care in Hokkien) kinda guy. Now, listening to all the things he has in mind about what he can do with a girl, it's like seeing a whole new him. It's fun to be able to talk to him about our dreams and all. I even teased him, I said - Could there be more than a high school fling between us?. He laughed. It was really nice talking to him so joyfully and don't have to worry about screening my words. It was so natural even though we haven't seen each other in 6 years and we haven't talk in a really long time too. Furthermore, we stopped communicating in such an abrupt way that we never did knew when we fell out of love. But then it wasn't really love at that time. It was a crush..that sad to say, would probably never become love, would it? There's just no chemistry when we talked, which is just the opposite of what I feel when I talk to D. Talking to D creates so many feelings. Why must things be so complicating between us?

Went to Meridian Mall with Dan today. He's bored. I'm bored and we decided to go to the mall even though he doesn't like the mall and I didn't have anything to buy but it was better than bumming at home. He picked me up, drove there and it took us almost 10 minutes just to get a parking space. I was sitting there, amazed by the amount of people out there shopping and he was driving, swearing every now and then and commenting on everyone who's in his way. I've never seen this many people in the mall before and especially not the parking place so full. It's crazy. Of course, there are some really inconsiderate people who parks their car on two parking spot, people who park so out that their car are almost in the middle of the road, which all made him even madder. Then when we found a spot, there was actually two..what luck!

Had A&W for lunch at the food court. It's so not Malaysian A&W. There's no Coney dog, no waffle, no chicken either! It's just hamburger and sandwiches. :( But then it filled my empty stomach so it was okay but of course it would be better to have at least Coney dog. :P

Later, when Dan brought me home, I can feel the serenity and loneliness of this place starting to haunt me. But it's still ookay for now since I've been so busy and I'm actually looking forward to a little time for myself and just relax. But then that would give me time to think about 'stuff'. Sigh...

My second home

lab bench in the Schmidt's lab. The white reader on the bench is my new baby...TD-700 Fluorometer..we just got it and is my current toy. Check out the window right next to my desk. I love it! We're up on the 6th floor, which allow me to see almost the entire East Campus and there's an orchid plant to greet me every morning too! Posted by Hello

woohooo..finals are over!!

Today is the last day of finals week and it's also my last exam for the semester...I was sooooooooo relieved when I got out of the exam hall at 9.45am this morning. The subject - Introduction to Molecular Biology of the Gene - was the most detailed and heavy subject I've ever taken. The notes itself was thicker than the reference book and I had to buy a new file just for this course but I sure learned a lot because I feel smarter now than one semester ago (blushing...I know I know...I'm being over confident..but I really do because understand so much more stuff now).

Went to lab after the exam but could hardly concentrate on anything because I was still hyper over the fact that the most tedious subject is actually over. But I did not prepare any E. coli cultures so I couldn't do anything except for analyzing my data. Since I left the lab early, I decided to go check out this new 'Giant book sale' at Grand River Ave (the magnificent mile of E. Lansing). The moment I stepped into the store...I was like...'Oh my goodness! I'm gonna go crazy with all the books' ...once that moment of dazed was over, I couldn't stop moving from one book to another. There are soooooooooo many books and all of them are really good ones..they have from paperbacks to hardcovers, New York Times bestsellers to ancient ones, it's heaven on Earth! So I spent almost 2 hours in that shop and bought two books. When I was paying for the books (which was 2 for 5 USD!!! - and they're hardcover!!!), the manager told me that they put out new books almost everyday and that just psych me up! There goes my holiday..can't find me in the lab or at home..check the 'Giant book sale'!

a weekend in Kalamazoo

just finished reading "Sam's Letter to Jennifer" by James Petterson. It's a really great story and it almost bring me to tears. It's about the emotions of a widower when her grandma falls sick, which led her to rediscover the feeling of love. I've always wanted to be with my grandma whenever she needs me and sometimes, guilt still overcomes me when I think about me being so faraway, neglecting her when she took care of me ever since the day I was brought to life until this very day. It is still amazing how deep her love for me is because every time I talk to her on the phone, she makes me fell so loved and remembered. It's like my existence have made her world a better place. I can still remember all the times she talks about me in front of my relatives and her friends. She just beem with happiness and she's so proud of me..but here I am..pursuing a degree that I don't know where it will bring me to except to fulfill my need to contribute to the life sciences community and future health concerns. Again and again the question lingers in my mind..will there ever be a time when I can spend time with my grandma and do all the favorite things we used to do? Will she wait for me to go back and be by her side? I hope that she'll be strong...to give me a chance to show her how much I love her and how much she means to me for it's her that I know what it feels like to love someone and to be loved back by that same someone.

While my thoughts are bringing me back to Penang, I'm physically here at a friend's place in Kalamazoo. I came here for the weekend to attend a graduation ceremony of my last few friends remaining here at Kalamazoo..the people gets lesser every semester. It's sad to know that we might never be this close again because we are all moving forward, going our own way. It's gonna be hard to meet up all at the same time since not all of us are from the same city and some still unsure what's their next environment. The last time I went home, I could feel that my high school friends and me were drifting even further apart because I only had a limited time in KL since my family moved back to Penang. I felt torned between wanting to spent time with my family and wanting to hang out with my close friends but thankfully, I managed to meet up with a few of them.

Back to my weekend here, it feels fresh to be able to be part of the group of friends here again. The main reason I decided to be here for the graduation ceremony is because two of my close friends graduated yesterday and I decided to come down here for the weekend to be part of their proud moments in life. They are both great people in different ways. It's not that they're perfect, they do have their flaws but they've impressed me numerous time during the times I've known them.

Sitting in the auditorium watching all these people walking on the stage with their proud smiles and confident strides, I felt the same happiness I did when I was walking on that same stage, listening to the same tunes and speeches last December. But then every few moments, sadness thoughts dawned on me. Something is missing here...it's the love that I had that December of 2003. My parents were there..my boyfriend was there. However, these thoughts did not linger for long. Why? because all my wonderful friends were right there with me. I was never a very socially active person but I've crossed path with these people every once in a while and I've forgotten how great they made me feel by just having me with them. After the graduation ceremony, we went for dinner at Chilis. That night at the dinner table was one of the best moments I've had since I came back here to the States and I laughed so hard at one point my tummy hurts so much. Kevin was telling us about the experienced he had with bats when he was staying at University Village during his first year at Western and another encounter recently at Knollwood. The last time I laughed so hard was probably when I was visiting my parents in China and the jokes that my dad cracks me up.

Later in the night, I went to Campus Kitchen, an American Chinese food restaurant that I used to work at when I was doing my undergraduate degree at Western. My intention was just to say hi to the boss since he called me and ask how am I doing here at E. Lansing. I worked there only for 8 months but we've managed to become friends instead of just being an employee to them. I ended up staying there for about 2 hours and the boss's wife made a Black bubble milk tea, which I haven't had since I left Kalamazoo in May this year and also a bowl of curry chicken. She wouldn't take a single cent for it but instead sat right next to me and we starting chatting away like old friends. I was glad I went because not only was I able to catch up with her but also with an Indian couple who had helped me a great deal when I was moving from Kalamazoo to E. Lansing. I updated them about the 'unfortunate breakup' and I got the best response I've got since the incident. I won't mention it here but it sure made me feel worthy of myself again.

Great friends are friends who make one laugh and yet criticize at the right time.

Exam week!!

3 hours away from exam and here I am...sitting in front of the computer in the microbiology computer lab blogging...am I so prepared? haha..probably not but I figured I need a break for a while. I have to print out the graphs for my data from yesterday anyway. Played with the fluorometer a little bit yesterday morning and got some really beautiful data to show my PI. Since the printer is taking forever to print 4 pages of colored graphs, I figured I might as well fill up some space here.

But then again...maybe I should get back to studying. :P

What is success?

sitting in front of the mac in the lab trying to occupy the remaining 20 minutes the autoclave is going to take before I can leave, go shop for groceries, go home, take bath and fall back onto my wonderful bed. At the mean time, I just realized that I have achieve success in life. I've got a great job, great place to stay, classes are going as well as it can be, I have everything that I can think of, money to spend, money to save and still enjoy life. Isn't that what success is all about? To be able to enjoy life and not worry about anything? But if success is really this easy to
achieve, then why are there so many people out there who are still seeking for success? What does success actually mean? Is the success that most people are looking for = to be a millionaire? But what's the point then? If one is rich, there'll be no motivation to work or improve their current status of intelligence except to better make use of their wonderful lifestyle. Then the people of future generation will start to deteriorate in the ability to think critically and there will be lack of inspiration to discover more about life. Oh no..I'm starting to babble my way around success. But I think i'm ready to admit that I have everything I want in life - to enjoy life and still have the inspiration to contribute back to life.

there's just one thing missing though...for the person whom I love so dearly to come back to me. We've been able to talk normally this week. It was mostly because I'm too busy to analyze everything he says, which is good because I can be myself more instead of pretending to be a stranger to him. It feels more familiar and comfortable to talk to him by just being myself and I think he feels that way too. I'm just glad he still remembers there is someone out here who still cares about him a lot. That makes me wonder though..what about that girl he's so interested in..isn't she doing anything to make him feel better? Oh well, better to stay away from being too analytical.

Just got my camera today but had no time to play with it yet. Finals is next Friday and lots of stuff to do in the lab. Managed to get the fluorometer going and am anxious to try it with the real cultures of E. coli now. Hopefully I can get some preliminary data by the end of next week. Wish me luck!!